Master Index - C

1-A    B    C   D    E    F    G    H    I    J-K    L    M    N   O    P-Q    R    S   T    U    V    WXYZ

How to Use the Index

This Master Index covers thousands of topics found in every Real Love book, the 500 Daily Coaching Videos and all the blogs.

Note that all the page numbers for the books refer to the hard copies of the book but not to location numbers in Kindle books.

In this index you can find Real Love answers to all your questions—it's like having your own personal coach 24/7.


How can you use it? Let’s look at a couple of examples:

Example One:
You want to tell the truth about yourself to your spouse. You want to change the direction of your marriage and create genuine, intimate, and lasting connections between you. How do you start? What can you say? Let’s look at the index:

Click on the T above and then go to Truth Telling, and you’ll discover a great many sub-headings, like “about ourselves,” “about your spouse,” “about our mistakes,” and more.

Or click on M and go to Marriage, truth telling in

Example Two:
Your child is being irresponsible, or angry, or whatever. What can you do? Click on the P and go to Parenting, and you’ll discover a great many sub-headings that will get your interest, like “teaching children about choice,” and more.


The following abbreviations are used throughout the Master Index:

DC = Daily Coaching Videos, 1 - 505
B = Blog, for example, B19Sep12 means blog from 19 Sep 2012
RL = The book, Real Love
RLM = The book, Real Love in Marriage
RLP = Real Love in Parenting
RLD = Real Love in Dating
RLWM = Real Love for Wise Men and Women
PCSD = Post Childhood Stress Disorder
RLV= Real Love and Freedom for the Soul (Victimhood)
RLW= Real Love in the Workplace
EWB = Essentials of Real Love Workbook
BWB = Essentials of Real Love Bible Workbook
Note: all the page numbers for the books refer to the hard copies of the book, not to location numbers in Kindle books


Cabin, RL260-1
Cadence, calling, B07Feb18
Calculus, existence, B22Apr16
Call list, EWB 351, BWB381-2
Canoe, help into, B16Mar12, RLP75-6
Canon, RLW3
meaning of the use of the word, B16Nov15
vs won't, B19Apr17
Canyon hike, metaphor of, RLV 41-3
burning, B16Oct15
buying, compared to choosing partner, RLD191-2
commercial, B06Apr15
dangerous, B21Aug15
fighting in, RLP385-6
stuck in ditch, metaphor, DC365
Careers, combinations of Imitation Love received from, RLW 53-4
about people but not their opinion of me, B23Dec16
but without taking responsibility, B23Dec16
Caring for people vs. taking responsibility for their happiness, B13Sep12
Cats, barn full of, B03Nov17
Cave, experience in, B02Feb11
Cave fish, B06Sep17
exploring, B10Jun16
like life, B10Jun16
maps, B10Jun16
Celebrities, lives of, B31Oct06, B04Jun07
Cerebral palsy, B07Nov12
Chain saw:
maintaining, B26Jan15
using, B07Jun17
beliefs, old, B17Feb12
metaphor, DC27
Change (changing): RLWM 271-3
beautiful, B22Dec14
children won’t work, RLP99-100
desire to is the first step in eliminating conflict, RLW 314
desire to is the first step in finding Real Love, RLP99-100, RLW 119-20, RLW 314
difficult, B12Dec16
difficult at times, B30Apr14
difficult but simple, DC385, B26Dec11, B23Mar12
examples of in parent-child relationship, RLP94, RLP142-4, RLP167-8, RLP197-9,
RLP 206-13
frightening, DC45, B23Mar12
generations required for some, B29Oct12
goal to become reborn, BWB247-8
gradual, B29Oct12
leap required, B26Dec11
other people almost impossible, EWB211, BWB247
other people is foolish, RLD95-6
others, see Controlling
ourselves much more productive than trying to change others, EWB211, BWB247
painful, B22Dec14
perspective of determines pain of, B30Apr14
possible, B24Dec07
see Growth
self first, DC225
single behaviors, RLW 242-3
visible in face of someone with Real Love, 17Sep12
we must change ourselves before our relationships can, RLD25-6, RLD202
world, B03Jul17
Change, desire to:
needed for growth, RL65-6
takes time, RL76-7, RL134
Character, who we are, B08Jul15
Character traits:
expressed different whether loved or not, B16Jul14
Cheap, happiness, B02May16
see Infidelity
why we, B17Jul18
Cheating B_____, DC15
Cheetah, chases antelope, B17Oct16
Chemistry, of love, B01Apr15, B22Apr15
Cherokee story, EWB 157, BWB187-8
free range, B27Apr15
headless, B30Nov16
autocorrect from, B26Mar14
can’t just “get over it,” RL14
denial of, B20Oct14
effect, B12Oct16, B29Jan18
effect(s) of, PCSD 9-11, PCSD 68-78, PCSD 105-7, B30Jan15,  B12Dec16, B03Feb17, B12Apr17, B26Apr17, B19Jun17, B08Sep17,  B02Oct17
effect of on rest of life, B17Feb12, B23Nov12, B26Mar14, B04Apr14, B30Apr14, B19May14, B16Jun14, B23Jun14, B24Sep14, B20Oct14
effects, B02Dec16, B28Dec16, B08May17, B30Aug17
effects, examples, B29Jul16
forgetting common, B30May14
independence from, B04Apr14
just get over it, RLP21
lifetime effect of not getting Real Love in, RLP21
Real Love essential in, B23Nov12
regaining with love, B13Apr15
10 commandments for, B10Sep14
abandoning, DC474
accepting, not condoning, DC347
acting out, DC231-232-233
adult, see Children, adult (entire entry below)
adult, see Parenting, adult children
adults behave as, B19Jun17
anger and rebellion caused by victimhood, RLV 162
ask for Real Love freely, B18Feb11
bad behavior caused by lack of Real Love, B17Jan07
bad behaviors of, DC344-345-346-347-348
“bad” behavior proof of our failings as parents, RLP14, RLP18-19
“bad” behavior reaction to emptiness and fear, RLP2
behavioral "disorders in", B28Feb18
believe loving means giving them what they want, EWB425, BWB439
believe parents’ definition of love, B21Jan11
born different, RLP258
can’t love parents unconditionally, EWB393, BWB413
care only about being loved, DC420-421
caring for too much, B07Oct16
college education and, DC361-362
controlling, B23May11
correcting, DC287-288-289-290
crippled by too much parental “giving”, DC361-362
crossed eyes in, DC260-261-262
deceived by conditional love of parents, B21Jan11
disobedient, teaching, EWB369-79, BWB393
drowned by parents, B01Jun11
effect of divorce on, RLM 302-5
effect of not being loved by parents, DC344-345-346-347-348, B17Jan07, B21Jan11, B01Jun11, B17Feb12
enabling, DC395
entitled, why, B07Oct16
entitlement in, B09Aug11
expectations for Real love, DC346
factors that effect, PCSD 104-5
faith in, inspires them, EWB423, BWB438
feel love, DC420-421
fighting, DC6
freedom of, B06May16
gift from, B31Oct12
gratitude for love not reasonable, B15Feb12
grow through pain, B06Apr11
helping, risk of, DC333-334, DC395
helping too much, DC395, B11Apr11, B09Aug11
homework and, BWB450
hurt by permissiveness, B11Apr11, B09Aug11
hurt by small wounds, B27Jun11
inconvenient, RLP57
irresponsible, teaching, EWB369-79, BWB393-400
job of, B15Feb12
lack of love caused by parents, DC319-320, B22Jul11
learn by parent’s example, DC8
learn from their decisions, EWB38-9
learning to love with, B15Feb12
leaving behind what they were taught, B28Jun12
lies taught to, B17Oct12, B21Jan13
loving means teaching them to feel loved, loving, responsible, EWB425, BWB439
loving, risk of, DC333-334
loving others unconditionally, B31Oct12
lying, taught to, RLV 20
medical needs in, DC260-261-262
media use in, B17Aug11
need our love, not our praise, EWB363-7, BWB390-1
need Real Love like buildings need rebar, B23Nov12
need Real Love most, EWB262, BWB294
need real love to be happy, DC7, DC28, DC344-345-346-347-348, DC420-421, B17Jan07, B23Nov12, RLWM 257-8
need to be independent, EWB389, BWB410
needs, expressed indirectly, RLP5-6, RLP13-14
not loved conditionally, DC75
not responsible for loving parents, DC498, B15Feb12, B17Sep14
not responsible for parents’ feelings, B17Sep14
not stupid, DC347
opportunity to learn to love, B15Feb12
parent’s anger = “I don’t love you”, DC7-8, DC28
parents wanting to control, DC344-345-346-347-348
perspectives determined by parental lens, PCSD 68-72
preparation for happiness of, B27Nov15
protecting, DC260-261-262
protecting not always desirable, B06Apr11, B04Apr12, B20Apr12
real victims, RLWM 214
rebellious, DC28
rescuing bad, B21Oct15
rescuing vs. helping, DC453-454-455-456, B06Apr11, B09Aug11, B04Apr12
responsibility of, B15Feb12
saving bad, B21Oct15
see Parenting
see Parents
speaking like victims, examples of, RLV 305-6
taught by parents to buy Imitation Love, BWB388-90
taught by parents to buy praise, EWB361-7
taught by parents to fight among one another, EWB369, BWB395
taught by parents to use all Getting and Protecting Behaviors, EWB 369, BWB394-5
taught principles no longer true as adults, B28Jun12, B21Jan13
teaching about the Law of Choice, RLV 191
teaching about victimhood, RLV 191, RLV 266-70
teaching early, B03Nov17
teaching how to respond to victims, RLV 306-8
teaching how to tell the truth about their victimhood, RLV 204-5
teaching, importance of, B27Nov15
teaching like training a dog, B29Sep14
teaching Real Love, B25Dec15
television viewing in, B17Aug11
telling truth to about parents, B20Apr12, B08Oct12
texting in, B17Aug11
their idea of loving them, EWB423, BWB437-8
trade Imitation Love with parents, EWB391-3, BWB413
train parents to be angry, B03Dec11
train parents to behave in certain ways, B03Dec11
training like training dog, B29Sep14
unhappiness in, blaming others for, RLP1-2
unhappiness in, evidence of, RLP1-2, RLP5-6
until they feel loved, can’t hear anything we say, EWB263-5, BWB295-6
victimhood leads to anger and rebellion in, RLV 162
victimhood of, DC270-271
video games and, B17Aug11
view of self taught by parents, DC48
what to tell parents who use child as pawn, DC56
whine because it works, EWB391, BWB411-12
why we have, RLP71-2
without Real Love grow up to use Getting and Protecting Behaviors, EWB156
without Real Love grow up to use Getting and Protecting Behaviors and to sin, BWB186
without Real Love severely affected, EWB156, BWB186
without sufficient Real Love are handicapped, RLD47
world defined by parents, DC323
Children, adult:
bad behavior of, DC464-465-466, B31Oct14
controlling mother, DC20, DC61
disapproving of mother’s boyfriend, DC44
entitled, B04Aug17
healthy relationship with parents, DC21
leaving home, DC19, B31Oct14
mama’s boy, DC21, B31Oct14
parenting, DC19, B31Oct14
see Parenting, adult children
responding to, DC464-465-466, B31Oct14
what to say to controlling mother, DC61
Real Love in, B19Dec12, B21Mar14, B26Aug16
visit to, B11May11, B16May12
Chocolate, truck filled with, RLD167
Choice(s) (and choosing) See also Self-control:
ability to make, DC215-216, B22May08, B06Feb12, B17Nov14
ability to make exists only when we can see it, B17Nov14
action required, B09Jun17
affected by lack of Real Love, RL59, RL124
affected by past and self-control, RL39-40, RL124, RLWM 72-81, RLWM 258
allowing children to make, RLP268-73
always have, RLV 135-7, RLW 287-90, EWB173, EWB307-9, BWB186-7, BWB206, B24Dec07
always one to make (not trapped), DC17, RLM 45, PCSD 258
bad, consequences of, B19Aug16
bad lead to none, B21Nov14
based on desires, not facts, B04May12
based on feelings, not facts, B04May12
best to find Real Love and happiness, RLWM 68
between life and death, EWB 309, BWB345-6
big, B16Aug17
black and white, B13May11, B06Feb12, EWB307-9, BWB345-6
can always make our own, RLWM 65- 8, RLWM 96-8, RLWM 211, RLWM 244, RLWM 249
can make only as we’re able to make them, not just because they exist, B22May08
can’t make if can’t see, B17Nov14
can't make if unprepared, B21Feb18
changing mine, RL39-40
changing others, see Changing other people
children must be allowed to make as they understand consequences, EWB391, BWB411-12
children not understanding consequences, B02Aug17
conscious, B15Apr11
consequences follow, B18May16
consequences of, DC172, B08Sep07, B15Aug11, B09Jan12, RL111
consequences of bad, B19Aug16
consequences of not our choice, EWB305, BWB343
control only until children understand consequences of making, RLP263
controlling, see Controlling
dangers of violating, RLP261-2
depends on capacity, B12Jun18
determined largely by the Real Love we have, RLWM 81-2
don’t exist if we can’t see them, DC428, B22May08, B02May12
door, B16Aug17
each one combines with others to create big effect, B03Jun11
effects, B12Sep16
effects combine, B30Jun17
effects multiply, B08Feb17
eliminating conflict with, see Conflict, eliminating
encouraging children to make, RLP273
examples, DC17, B21Sep11, B06Feb12, RLP272
exist only if we can see them, B22May08
explaining and thereby broadening the purpose of teaching, RLW 203-4
factors determining other than self-control and Real Love, EWB157-9, BWB188
four in relationships, RL49-60
four in relationships, see Relationships
freedom from knowing we have, DC444-445
good lead to more, B21Nov14
happiness impossible without, RLP262
importance of each, B21Mar11, B22May15
improve as we grow in knowledge and in Real Love, RLP97-8
instead of reacting, B24Jan18
just make, B09Sep16
just make and learn from, B23May14
Law of Choice, RL 48, RL151-2, RL229, RLM 40-5, RLP 261, RLD98-100
Law of Choice defined, RLW 104, RLW 287
Law of Choice, examples, DC17, DC76, B21Sep11, RLM 150-52, RLM 181-83, BWB326
Law of Choice, freedom of, EWB287, BWB326
Law of Choice, how we want to modify, EWB285-7,EWB 287, BWB318-19, BWB326
Law of Choice, importance of, RLW 104
Law of Choice in conflict, RLM140-42
Law of Choice in marriage, RL190-1
Law of Choice most important principle in relationships, RL48
Law of Choice, understanding eliminates disappointment and anger, RL229
Law of Choice, violated by anger, RLD97, RLW 105, RLW 107, RLW 287, EWB287, BWB319
Law of Choice and God, BWB319-24
law of, children occasional exception to, RLP262-3
law of, selfishness caused by not understanding, RLP316
law of, teaching to children, RLP303-9
law of, two principles following from, RLP304
law of helps us understand that we’re never victims, RLP315-6
learn from, DC158, B24Jan07
learned, B15Jan18
learning to make, B24Dec07
life or death, B21Mar11, B13May11, B24Feb16, B11May16
limited, B17Nov14
limited by awareness, B11May16
limited by lack of love, B27Apr15, B02Oct15
limited by parents, PCSD 96-7
limited by the Real Love we have, EWB156-7, EWB175, BWB186-8, BWB207
limited when we can’t see another, B27Apr15
limiting for benefit of others, RLW 287-8
love, examples, B07Mar18
loving not when we can’t see it, EWB175
make, let consequences follow, B27Apr12, B23May14, B05Sep14
make now, B05Sep14
making good ones difficult when we can’t see them, RL39-40, RL59
making in right order, B27Apr12
making yours regardless of what others do, RLM 41-5, RLM 140-42, RLM 150-52
more available the more we know, EWB 173, BWB207
most important first, RLW 289-90
must make, B05Sep14, B14Apr17
must see them to change them, RL68, RL124
none we can see in absence of Real Love, RLV 145
not reaction, B15Jan18, B17Jan18
of others, B25Feb15
of others, we don’t value as much as ours, RLP261-2
our own what we need to focus on, B03Sep14
our responsibility, RL39-40
paralyzed by, B09Sep16
pay for, B09Jan12
power, B24Jan18
power of, B06Feb12, B03Sep14, B30Sep16
preparation required, B21Feb18
price for each, B15Aug11, B09Jan12
price of that others get to choose, B25Feb15
priorities of, B27Apr12
Real Love is, B17Aug15, B07Mar18
responsible for, RLWM 88-102
responsibility, not a convenience, RLP 74, RLW 108-9
responsibility for, see Responsibility
responsible to make, RLWM 97-8
right to make essential, RLWM 49-50
right to make loving, DC241-242
right to make our own, not those of others, DC170-171-172, B21Sep11
right to make, even when inconvenience others, RL151-2
roles of self-control and Real Love in determining, EWB156-7, BWB186-8
see Choices,
see Controlling
see Leaving relationships
see Live with the pig and hate it
see Live with the pig and like it
seeing them makes them possible, RLWM 70, RLWM 82
synergy with Real Love, RLP122-3, RLW 163
teaching children about choices of others, RLP274-5
teaching children how to make different ones, RLP215-6
teaching how to make, B06Feb12
three, RLW 288-90, B02May16
three choices (live with it and. . .), RLD98-100, RLWM 52-4, RLWM 67, RLWM 96, EWB284, BWB326
three choices, examples of, RLD98-100
three, examples, DC134-135-136-137, DC238-239, DC327-328-329-330, B21Sep11, RLM 42-3, RLM 44-5, RLM 140-42, RLP306-9, RLP312
two, B11May16
unavailable if we can’t see them, B22May08, B21Feb18
unique ability of human beings to make, RLW 108
vs reaction, B24Dec07, B21Feb18
we are responsible for those we make, DC159
we make the best we can see, RL71
what really want, RLWM 68-70, RLWM 235- 9, RLWM 241
with or against rules of happiness, B08Sep07
Choking story, raising children, DC7
Cholera, B22Mar17
Choose, relationships, whole package, B14Aug15
ages for different, RLP332-4
assignments clear and specific, RLP325-7
children need, RLP323
cleaning up, children who resist, RLP390-1
examples, RLP324
how to assign, RLP325-7, RLP327-31
opportunity to learn to be loving, RLP323, RLP325-7, RLP368-9
ownership of, RLP325-7
really doing vs. creating appearance of doing, RLP346-7
regularly assigned, RLP323-334
special assignments, RLP331
teaching with consequences, RLP339-42, RLP391
written assignments, RLP330-1
budgeting for, DC207
choosing your level of participation in, DC206, B27Oct06
compulsion of gift giving at, DC205, B27Oct06, B14Nov11
expectations of, DC205, B27Oct06, B14Nov11
finances in, DC477-478-479
freedom from, B13Dec12
gifts often a way of buying Imitation Love, DC205, B27Oct06, B13Dec12
gifts of Real Love to give,  B14Nov11, B20Dec07A
hating, B27Oct06
Imitation Love and, B27Oct06, B13Dec12
obligation of, B13Dec12
proof of our desire to love, B04Jan17
proof of our goodness, B04Jan17
purpose of, true,  B14Nov11, B13Dec12
Real Love gift for, B14Nov11, B20Dec07A
stress of, B14Nov11
don’t determine our happiness or stress, B16Sep09
Civil conflicts and victimhood, RLV 172-9
Civil War, lessons of, B20Feb17
Clay, digging dry, B14Nov12
and sooner, B21Jan15
communication, B21Jan15
jumping from, B31Jul15
staying away from edge of, B20Jun14
Climbing, like growth, B02Sep08
cost of, RLW 83
definition, RLP50, RLP233, RLD40-1, PCSD 167, RLV 28, RLW 82-3
described, RL27, RLM 22-3
effect of on children, RLP233-4
examples, DC363-364, RL27, RLP50, RLP233, PCSD 167-8, RLV 28, RLV 94, RLW 83, EWB127, EWB133, BWB143
healthy, B15Dec14, B23Nov16
our responses to, RLW 282-3
parents to children, RLP89
preventing, RLP234
responding to, DC166-167, DC364
responding to badly, RLP233
responding to correctly, RLP234-5
responding to more productively, RLW 282-3
see Getting and Protecting Behaviors
allowing children to make decisions about, RLP269-70, RLP389-90
modesty in, RLP390, B02Aug17
Clovers, four-leafed, EWB 270-1, BWB304
Club foot, DC358
paid, B11Jul11, B04May11
vs therapy, B10Feb16
Codependency, B24Mar08
Coffman, Curt, RLW 28,RLW 142
Cognitive behavioral therapy, PCSD 234-5
Cognitive restructuring, PCSD 254-8
Cohabitation as prelude to marriage, RLM 292
Cold, sensing, B07Aug17
Cold water, jumping in, B26Dec11
affected by conflict, RLW 5-7
affected by Getting and Protecting Behaviors, RLW 88
increased by truth telling, RLW 154-6
leaders facilitate, RLW 248
Real Love’s effect on, RLW 23-4
stopped by fear, RLW 154
Collective farms, RLW 298
College and shyness, DC41
College education, paying for, DC361-362
Collins, Jim, RLW 140
Colors, blending like a relationship, RL49
changed maps, B08Oct14
journey of, B27May16
Coma, physical and emotional, B18Jan16
coma from, B24Nov17
dangers of, B24Nov17
vs growth, B24Nov17
greatest is love, BWB38, BWB130, BWB161-3, BWB168, BWB213
reason for, BWB98, BWB130-1, BWB161-3
10 for teens, B10Sep14
Commitment (Commit):
can’t make someone, DC60
changing, B08Aug16
Cortez, B31Dec13
examples, DC179-180-181, B31Dec13
importance of, DC179-180-181, B06Jun11, B31Mar14
in relationships, why people avoid, EWB419, BWB435
information changes, B08Aug16
keeping, DC315-316
making, B31Mar14
no guarantees in, B31Mar14
poem, B26Feb16
power of, B31Mar14, RLM 174-78, B26Feb16
real, B31Dec13
responding to lack of, RLD188-90
to happiness, B26Feb16
“trying” used as substitute for, B06Jun11
why men (and women) fear in relationships, RLV 154-7
why people avoid, RLD187-8
why we avoid, DC18
Common ground:
principle of, B02Jul14
resolving conflict with, B02Jul14
affected by anger, RLW 5-7
affected by conflict, RLW 5-7
affected by Getting and Protecting Behaviors, RLW 88
asking questions, B10Nov14
avoiding “negative” is a bad idea, RLW 216-17
easy without getting and protecting behaviors, DC4
effective with Real Love, RLW 116, RLW 175-8
ending, B22May18
how to encourage, RLW 216-17
impossible with getting and protecting behaviors, DC4
intense productive, RLW 216-17
meaningful, B21Nov16
must be supplied by good leaders, RLW 216-17
“need to know” concept not productive, RLW 216
never express disappointment or anger during, EWB345, BWB376
non-verbal, RLP156-7
open necessary, RLW 216-17
see Listening
techniques alone ineffective, RLW 116, RLW 176-8, RLW 181-3
unproductive concepts in, RLW 216
we don’t know how, so we use Getting and Protecting Behaviors, B21May08
Community relations, poisoned by focusing on Imitation Love, RLW 58
Compacting soil, B10Dec08
effects of, B19May17
examples, B19May17
foolishness of, B31Jan18
harm of, B31Jan18
to others bad, B26Jul17
useless,  B19May17
of ourselves to other people, wrong, B14Mar12
Compartmentalization, described, PCSD 23-5
according to value not “level”, RLW 223-4
employee need for, RLW 205
Competition: BWB389, BWB391-2
how we can avoid, EWB365-7
how we get feeling of power from, EWB365-7
how we teach our children to lust after power with, EWB365-7
not for Real Love, B05May14
our pre-occupation with, EWB365-7
Complaints (complaining):
choice, B13Nov17
effect of, B28Sep16
new perspective on, B14Jan08
people like it, B05Nov08
vs gratitude, B13Nov17
Complex PTSD:
cults, PCSD 204-6
described, PCSD 202-10
similar to PCSD, PCSD 202-10
Compliments, RLD152-3
Composition, metaphor of, DC311-312
glitch, B27Mar17
like us, B27Mar17
programming, B27Mar17
programming wrong, B02Dec16
Concentration camps, RLP76, RLWM 85
lessons of, B02Feb15
brushed, B12Jul17
risks of, B12Jul17
Conditional love (see also Imitation Love):
as children, RL9-10
avoiding, DC388-389-390-391
confusing, EWB57, BWB66
defined, RL8-10, RL85-6, RLM 8-11, RLP8-9, RLP36, RLD8, RLD23,
definition, PCSD 7-8, RLV 11-12, EWB57, BWB66
deceives children, B21Jan11
definition, B31Oct06, RLW 11-12, RLW 60
distinguished from Real Love by presence of disappointment or anger, PCSD 7-8, RLV 12-14, RLW 15-16
earned, RLD8, RLV 146
effect of: RL10, RLP28-9, RLD8, PCSD 7-9, PCSD 12-13
effects on children, DC4, B21Jan11, EWB59, BWB69
evidence of, RL9, RL13
examples, DC4, RL9-10, RLP8-9, RLP14-15, RLP99-100, RLD6, RLD23, PCSD 7-8, RLV 11-12, RLV 146, RLW 11-12, RLW 15, EWB55-61, EWB65-7, BWB64-72, BWB74-6, B18Dec15
falling in love, RL33-5
identifying, DC389-390
“I love you because . . .” RL33
in childhood, EWB55-61, BWB64-9
leaves us empty, RLW 11-12
nature of, RLD6
no amount can make us happy, RLD92-3
proof of, RLP18-19
see Imitation Love
tend to pass on, RLP16-17
unpleasant experiences with, RLW11-12
vs. Real Love, RLV 12-14
what we learned from, EWB57, BWB66
worthless, RLD92-3, EWB279, BWB 313-14
and humility, B23Mar16
defined, B23Mar16
from love, B18Feb15
a choice, PCSD 301-2
about sex, RLM 268-75
affects performance, RLW5-7
always about being right worsens, BWB239-43
always about Real Love, see Real Love
avoiding, DC283-284, DC397, B20Jan09, B11Jan11, B24May17, B28May14, B02Jun14, B17Oct14, B07Jan15
avoiding often leads to safety but not love, EWB 409-10
avoidance of can become crippling, PCSD 345-52
cause of, DC80, DC81-82-83, DC120, DC236-237-238-239, DC263-264, B11Nov08, RLW 7-9, RLW 14-15,RLW 89-91, RLW133-4, RLW153-4, RLW319-20
caused by emptiness and fear, DC218-219-220, B24Mar07, B11Nov08
caused by emptiness and fear and Getting and Protecting Behaviors, not differences of opinion or anything else, EWB205-7, EWB383, BWB24, BWB287, BWB430, BWB 454-5
caused by lack of understanding, DC138-139-140
causes loss of performance, RLW5-7
causes loss of time, RLW5-7
children, B23May11
children’s caused by us, RLP289
common in workplace, RLW5-7
confusion of, DC246
cost, B16May14
costs of, RLW5-7
definition, RLM 111, RLWM 221
determining what you both want in, RLM 142-47, RLM 265-68, RLM 271-72
eliminating, DC104-105-106-107-108, DC171, DC264, DC282-283-284, DC365-366-367, B01Aug11, B17Oct14, RL 228-43, RLM 110-65
eliminating, examples, RL118-19, RL184-6, RL231-2, RLM 33-6, RLM 140-47, RLM 150-51, RLW22-3, RLW89-91, RLW114-15, RLW131-3, RLW181-7, RLW189-91, RLW193-4, RLW260-62, RLW266-9, RLW270-72, RLW312-17, RLW325-8
eliminating, not managing, RL228-9
eliminating by listening, RLM 116-22
eliminating by loving, RLM 272-75
eliminating by not speaking in anger, RLM 124-25
eliminating sooner, B17Oct14
eliminating with listening, RLW270-72
eliminating with principle of Common Ground, B02Jul14
eliminating with Real Love, DC149-150-151-152, RL229, RLW 153-4, RLW 270-72, RLW 320-21
eliminating with Real Love, examples, EWB291-2, BWB210-11, BWB330-1
eliminating with truth telling, B12Oct12, RLM 129-35, RLW153-4
eliminating with understanding of Law of Choice, RL229, RL231-2
elimination, process of, RLW319-30
elimination of, RLWM 223-56
examples, see Conflict
guaranteed to continue using the same tools, EWB381, BWB402-3
“I don’t love you” the message that causes the problem, EWB415, BWB430
increases general state of defensiveness, RLW5-7
interrupting, B17Oct14
lack of Real Love is the root of, RLM 111-15
Law of Choice in, RLM 140-42
leaving versus running, EWB347, BWB377
“little,” resolving, RLM 159-60, RLM 164-65
marriage, B29Apr08, B01Aug11
not result of differences but result of emptiness, fear, and Getting and Protecting Behaviors, RLW153-4
origin in scarcity, RLWM 221-2
preventing, B17Oct14, RLWM 251-4
preventing by asking four questions, RLM 152-55
preventing by asking questions and offering love, RLM 156-58
preventing with Primary Decision, RLM 160-65
preventing with steady supply of Real Love, RLM77-80
process of, DC120-121-122-123
Real Love protects us from, B02Jun14
recognize what you really want in, RLM 138-40
refuse to be, RLW 328-30
refusing to be in, DC310, DC449, DC505, B11Jan11, B24May17, RLM 147-52
repetitive, examples, EWB381-3, BWB403
resolution of, B27Nov17
resolving, examples, RLP128-31, RLP164-6, RLP167-9, RLP172-3, RLP175-7, RLP213-6, RLP229-31, RLP290-4, RLP297-300, RLP300-2, RLP304-9, RLP310-2, RLP312-5, RLP356-7, RLP367-9, RLP385-6, PCSD 358-61
resolving, see Conflict, eliminating sequence of “I don’t love yous” in, RLW85-6
resolving with consequences, RLP216-7, RLP229-31
responding to, example, B19May07
responding to, in children, B19Jun07
responding to with five steps to eliminate anger, EWB344-53, BWB375-83
Rules of Seeing in, RLP164-6
solution for, DC80
solutions much easier with Real Love, EWB419, BWB 434
stopping most aggressive behavior first, B01Aug11
stopping often not wise, RLP170, RLP291
stopping sooner, B21Jan15
subject of, see Rules of Seeing, Third
subject of always “I don’t love you”, RLW 89-91, RLW131-3, RLW281, RLW319
telling the truth about ourselves in, EWB386-9, BWB407-9
truth, painful, B31Aug16
understanding, RLW16-18, RLW85-6, RLW97-8
vs. disagreements, RL184-6, RL228, RL234-5, RLWM 221
vs Real Love, B18Dec15
waste of, B07Mar11
we tend to avoid, BWB428
what to say when walk out on, EWB 291, EWB345-7
withdrawal vs. running, B24May17
withdrawing from, DC310, B024May17, RLM 148-49, PCSD 301-4, RLW328-30
Conflict resolution:
admitting we’re wrong in, RLWM 230
anger, never speak in, RLWM 224-7
examples, RLWM 132-3, RLWM 136-8
determine how to get what you and your partner want, RLWM 239-43
differences, resolving, RLWM 255-6
getting loved during, RLWM 231-2
Law of Choice in, RLWM 143-5
listening in, RLWM 132-3, RLWM 136-8, RLWM 224
not compromise or trading, RLWM 244-5
not “giving in,” RLWM 225
refuse to be in, RLWM 246-51
telling the truth about yourself in, RLWM 227-32
Conformity, PCSD 100-101
about who we really are, B08Jul15
excuse, B16Oct17
familiar, B16Oct17
irresponsible, 16Oct17
lost in, B07Aug12
no, B15Jul15, B01Sep17
pain from, DC236-237-238-239
see Who we are
way out of, B07Aug12
why, B24Jan07, B04Dec06, B04Jul11
Connecting emotionally,
Girls vs boys, DC12
from battle, B02Jan17
from love, B02Jan17
need for, B28Nov06
Conscious, definition, B12Aug16
Conscious living, B15Apr11, B20Feb12
always follow choices, B18May16
applied after loving, DC491, B10Feb12
can’t choose, B18May16
characteristics, RLP180, RLV 142-3, RLW303-4, EWB267-9, BWB299
choosing, DC375-376-377, B23Apr14
consistent, RLP253-4, RLP341
discussing before they’re imposed, RLP183, RLP227, RLP341-2
don’t apply for only occasional mistakes, RLP343
don’t get angry, DC142
essential in parenting, B11Apr16
essential to teach responsibility, B11Apr16
examples, DC142-143, DC375-376-377, DC408, B17Jan07, B06Feb12, B10Feb12, B23Apr14, RLP178-82, RLP184, RLP184-6, RLP216-7, RLP225-8, RLP229-31, RLP253-4, RLP339-42, RLP366-7, RLP369-71, RLP385-6, RLP391, RLW305-7, B26Aug15, B24Apr17
external vs. natural, BWB301-2
God’s, BWB300-1
have no personality, DC142
how to administer, RLW 304-5
incorrectly imposing, RLP184
imposed for bad behavior, RL31, RL154-7
judging harshness of, EWB395, BWB415
let them teach, DC143, B10Feb12
like real life, DC142-143, B23Apr14
like Wal-Mart, DC143
loving, RLP180, RLP184-6, RLP341
misunderstood, RLW 303
natural, RLP182-3, RLP253-4, RLP268-9, RLP332, RLP369-71
never impose while irritated, EWB395, BWB415
not punishment, RL30-1, RL156-7
not responsible for, RL229-31
of choices more far-reaching than we realize, B24Aug12
offering variety, RLP227-8, RLP342, RLP342-3, RLP385-6
parenting and, EWB377, BWB400
purpose,  DC375-376-377, DC408, B17Jan07, RL156, RLP180, RLP181, RLV 143, RLW 303-4
purposes of, EWB269, BWB300
resolving conflicts with, RLP216-7, RLP229-31
saving children from is actually unloving, B17Jan07, B10Feb12
severe sometimes, B19Aug16
skipping, RLW 307
teach us, DC118, DC143
teaching with, DC142-143, DC287-288-289-290, B17Jan07, B10Feb12, B23Apr14
types of, RLW305
use when loving and teaching are not enough, RLP178, RLP225-8
vs. punishment, RLP180, RLV 142-4, RLW 304, EWB267-9, BWB298-9
without anger, RLP180, RLP253-4
Consistency, need for, B12Nov12
at work, RL222
don’t make happy children, B28Nov08
see Promises
Control and controlling:
addiction, DC57, DC355
alone when, RLWM 51
anger expression of a desire to, EWB287, BWB326
anger sign of, RLWM 54
avoid, DC144-145, B15Oct08, B21Sep11, B17Dec14
business, none of DC52
can’t create goodness, B04Dec07
caused by victimhood, RLV 77-8
causes dependence and weakness in those we control, RLW 291
causes resentment, RLW 291-2
causes unhappiness, RLW 291
consequences of, RLWM 50
cost of, RLP195, RLP266-8, RLW 210, RLW 250, RLW 290-92, RLW 298
dangers of, DC265-266, DC363-364, B18Mar07, B01Feb11, RLV 67-8, RLV 70-1
disappointment sign of, RLWM 54
disregard for Law of Choice, RLV 77-8
disregard for Law of Expectations, RLV 77-8
doesn’t work, EWB121, EWB165-6, EWB425-7, BWB139-40, BWB169
effect on children, B23Mar11
effects, DC329-330, B15Oct08, RLV 76-7
effects of, RLW19, EWB289, EWB425-7, BWB139-40, B08Apr15
eliminating, DC157, B23May11
evidence of, RLP195, B08Apr15
examples, B18Mar07, B23May11, B21Sep11, RLP195, RLV 75-6, RLW 68-9, RLW 209-10, EWB 121, EWB165-6, EWB287, EWB425-7, BWB139
excuses for, B18Mar07, B21Sep11, RLP264-5
exhausting, B11Apr12
expectations sign of, B31Dec14
faith better than, B01Feb11
fear from, B12Feb18
foolishness of, DC208-209-210, DC257-258-259, DC279-280, B21Sep11
futility of, DC320, B15Oct08, B11Apr12
getting a code word for, RLWM 51-2
gives us sense of power, RLW49
giving up, B11Apr12
good sometimes, B14Mar18
good when consequences of choice unnecessarily damaging to child, RLP263, RLP268
harm of, DC23, DC355, B01Feb11, B21Sep11
how not, B17Dec14
how to identify, B08Apr15
how we do with others, PCSD 98-9
illusion, RLW290
in expectations, DC59
ineffective, RLW121-4
informing versus, B25Mar16
interferes with learning, RLV 76-7
interferes with training of leaders, RLW210-12
justifications for, RLW 210
kills creativity, RLW 292
lack of, see Helplessness
leads to loss of choice, RLP262-3
losing as we ask for help, B10Apr09
losing is what we need, B10Apr09
makes people feel unloved, RLW291
makes Real Love impossible, B15Oct08, B21Sep11
makes relationships impossible, RLWM 51, RLWM54
meaning of, RLP107-8, RLP112-3
must stop before running, B10Oct12
need for sense of, PCSD 96-7
none of our business to, EWB408, BWB426
our own behavior difficult without changing our judgments, see Event - Judgment - Feeling – Reaction
out of, B14Mar18
parents’ response to Getting and Protecting Behaviors of children, RLP194-5
patterns of behavior, B31Dec14
perspective of changed by trauma, PCSD 34
power the reward, DC149-150-151-152
questions to assess, RLW250-51
responding to, B25Mar16
responding to in others, DC196-197, DC223-224, DC308-309-310, DC360, DC364, DC368-369, DC422-423, DC502, DC505, B23May11, B10Oct12
response to, B06Feb15
response to Getting and Protecting Behaviors in others, RLW249-50
right to as leaders, RLW287-8
see Expectations
selfish, RLP265-6
signs of, B08Apr15
solution to, B11Apr12
spouse, DC308-309-310
standards not, B07Mar12
stopping in others, B06Feb15
telling partner about, B10Oct12
think before, RLW210-12
understanding, DC308-309-310, DC502
unhappiness from, B12Feb18
violates the Law of Choice, EWB389, BWB410
vs. requests, see Request, vs. demands
vs. setting standards, B07Mar12
vs. teaching, RLP265
waste of time and energy, DC4, B11Apr12
we are always in, of our own happiness, BWB169-70
why, DC156-157, B11Apr12
why we do it, RLP195
with anger, RLW250
with fear, DC424-425
with rules, RLW250-51
because we allow it, DC424-425
by fear, DC424-425
by need for approval, DC424-425
really a trading, DC493-494
Controlling others:
alone when, RL51-2
bad choice, RL50-60, RL61, RL153, RL219-20
hurts relationships, RL153
people, desire caused by emptiness and fear RLM 45
selfish, RL51, RL72, RL153
all about love, B11Nov08
details distracting, DC411-412-413, B11Nov08
ending, B22May18
good, B22May18
obstacles, B17Oct14
obstacles, eliminating, B17Oct14
subject of, real, DC416-417, B11Nov08
Conversations, interrupted:
responding to, DC184-185, B17Oct14
Cookies, RLD12
Coolant leak, B08Jun15
Cooperation, act of love, RLM 101
Core, of who we are, B08Jul15
Corn, growing, B17Apr17
Cornea, object in, B11Apr18
children for the purpose of our own convenience, RLP169-70
consequences and, see Consequences
how, RLP170-87
loving more effective than controlling or anger, RLP171
need for, RLP169
negative connotations for, RLW240
never with disappointment or anger, RLP170
purpose of, RLP169
Correcting others:
avoiding, DC278, B06Jun08
follows a need to be right, B06Jun08
how to, B15Aug12
opportunities to, B15Aug12
our right to, B15Aug12
rarely welcome, B06Jun08, B15Aug12
Cortez, B31Dec13
Cost, vs. benefit, B09Mar15
Cotton candy tree, B13Jul09
Couch, Ethan, B05Feb16
changes in someone who has Real Love, 17Sep12
Courses, in life, B02Jun17
Court, prove in that worthwhile, B14Dec16
Cow, back end of, B20Oct14
Co-worker, annoying, DC26
CPR, emotional, DC333-334
choosing, B26Dec14
definition, DC489
need for in all of us, B29Jul11
telling truth about, DC489
affected by Getting and Protecting Behaviors, RLW 88
encouraged by most successful corporations, RLW 215-16
lies used to kill in others, RLW 68-9
love enhances, B02Oct15
matter of supporting people while making mistakes, RLW 212-15
promoted by Real Love, RLW 3, RLW 23-5
requires mistakes, RLW 213-5
suppressing in others gives us feeling of power, RLW 49
supporting, RLW 215-16
for not being angry, B05Dec14
avoiding not the solution, B14May12
avoiding with preparation, B18May11
avoiding with steady supply of Real Love, RLM 77-80
choice, B16Sep09, B18May11
disappear with long perspective, B26May08
prevent, B21Aug17
prevent with regular Real Love, B07Sep15
prevention vs treatment, EWB273, BWB307
responding to, DC401-402, B26May08, B14May12
vs. preparation, DC95-96-97
avoiding, RLP157
effect of, DC326-327, B23Jan13
effects of, B26Oct16
evidence of not accepting, RL149-51
gives us feeling of power, RLW 49
imitation love from, DC47
message of, RLP157
not as good as gratitude, B23Oct17
power from, RL254
responding to, DC220, B21Nov12, RL 254, B25Mar16
sign of not listening, RLWM 135
silly compared to gratitude, B03Jul18
unnecessary, B16Feb15
Crocodiles, jumping in river with, B20Mar15
Crop yield, B27Jul11
Crying, why, B26Nov14
can cause complex PTSD, PCSD 204-6
similar to families, PCSD 204-6
interferes with love, B08Jun12
less important than love, B08Jun12
Curiosity, responding to, RLP256
Curling, B08May18
Curse of Knowledge, B29Dec17
angry, responding to, RLW 269-72
angry, victimhood in, RLV 166-7, RLV 284-6
complaints, responding to, DC89-90-91
effect of Real love on, RLW 20, RLW 24
feel our lack of genuine concern for them, RLW 57
Cutting, self-destructive behavior of, DC231-232-233
Cycle, breaking, B05Feb18
Czechoslovakia, and love, EWB13, BWB25