Pam sobbed uncontrollably in my arms.
āYou feel bad about yourself,ā I said. This was not the time to bother with preliminary questions.
Unable to speak, she nodded her head.
āYou feel like deep down, you are broken and canāt be fixedāthat there is no hope for you.ā
More nodding. This is not an uncommon belief at the root of all our other fears.
āProve it,ā I said.
Almost immediately she stopped sobbing and looked at me. āWhat do you mean?ā
āI mean that your feelings of pain, fear, and despair are all based on your judgment that youāre not worthwhileāthat youāre broken. If youāre going to give up your happiness based on a judgment, youād better be sure itās the right one. So prove to me that your judgment is true, just like you were proving it in a court of law. I want evidence, not just your opinion. What evidence do you have that youāre broken or worthless?ā
She listed a great many peopleāmother, father, ex-husbands, ex-lovers, sister, two brothers, and othersāwith specific examples of where they had told her with words and behavior that she was unloved and worthless. āJust last week, my mother told me that I was a horrible person, and those are her exact words.ā
āAre any of those people genuinely happy? Are any of them unconditionally loving to anybody?ā
āNo.ā
āSo, I admit that I wasnāt there for any of those events you described, but I did notice something in common with all of them. Tell me if Iām wrong, but in every single case where you described being told you were worthless, it sounded like you first failed ONLY to give the other person what they wanted. Yes? Or you did something that was inconvenient for them.ā
āYes, I guess thatās true.ā
āSo every time somebody told you that you were worthless, what really happened is that the other person was telling you that you simply didnāt satisfy their needs. Yes?ā
āYes.ā
āJust for fun, letās imagine that you and I both play tennis.ā
āI do play tennis.ā
āMe too.ā
āSo letās imagine that weāre playing a game of tennis, and every time you score a pointāevery time the game doesnāt go my way, in other wordsāI scream at you that you donāt know how to play. Does that mean you donāt know how to play tennis?ā
āNo.ā
āBut Iām screaming that you canāt play, on every point you score, in fact.ā
āBut your word doesnāt mean anything.ā
āWhy not?ā she asked.
āBecause youāre not really describing ME. Youāre describing your own selfishness.ā
āBingo. Exactly right. And thatās exactly what has happened to you all your life. People were not describing YOUāeven though they used the word āyouāābut instead were describing their own pain and subsequent selfishness. But because you were very young when this pattern first began, you believed themāall the way to your bonesāand in the absence of powerful evidence to the contrary, you have continued to believe these negative and WRONG messages about you all your life.ā
Pam saidāwith an eloquence and emotional intensity I have rarely witnessedāāOh.ā She got the point. āSo Iāve been lied to all my life?ā
āYes.ā
āSo all that proof that Iām unlovable is really worthless. Itās wrong, and youāre telling me that Iām not worthless.ā
āYep.ā
āAnd I can believe you because youāre not empty or afraid. You can really see me, so youāre describing ME, not your own pain or selfishness.ā
āYep.ā
Pam really did get it. Her life has been different ever since that moment. She just needed to see that her lifelong judgment was wrong, and then pain and fear no longer made any sense. It was a miracle to watch.