On many occasions, I have described Real Love as a choice we make. We DECIDE to love another person unconditionally. In a recent conversation, however, I learned something about how romantic loveāfalling in loveācan also be a choice.
I was speaking to Doug, who has never had a meaningful or lasting relationship with anyone, despite a great many attempts. Heās been attracted to a long line of women, but no matter how fun the initial experiences were, he could not develop the kind of relationship he really wanted. āWhen I see a woman,ā he said, āsometimes I just feel this great chemistry. It takes over. Do you believe in that?ā
āSure,ā I said. āItās undeniable that in the first few seconds we meet someone, we can make an assessment whether they would be highly desirable to connect with. In their smile, words, tone of voice, movements, physical features, and more, we see how that person might make our life more enjoyable. We recognize their tendency to flatter us, to be compliant, to not be a source of conflict, to provide sexual excitement, and so on. We call that entire package āchemistry,ā and itās mostly automatic.ā
āRight, I canāt help myself.ā
āYou really canāt do much about the initial thoughts, which are involuntary, but within a second or two you really can make a choice about whether you will continue to indulge those thoughts and feelings.ā
āIām not so sure. The pull of chemistry is pretty strong.ā
āLetās see if I can illustrate this. Suppose youāre walking into a bank. On your way in, two security guards pass close by, each carrying two heavy bags of what you reasonably suppose to be large amounts of cash. It crosses your mind that it really would be nice to have all that money. That thought might flash into your head, yes?ā
āSure.ā
āAnd then you might have thoughts about the cars, houses, vacations, and free time that all that money could buy?ā
āYeah.ā
āBut would you then grab one of the bags from the guard? Or rob the armored car outside? Or would you plan a future bank robbery?ā
āNo.ā
āWhy not?ā I asked.
āBecause Iād probably end up in jail. Not worth the risk.ā
āSo, even though having the money would be very appealingāthe chemistry is greatāyouād pass on the chemistry because the price is too high?ā
āYes.ā
āAnd thus you have proven that even though you might have an initially exciting thought, you can also stop that line of thinking if you recognize that the price is too high. Itās no different with the āchemistryā or romance with a woman. You have experienced that chemistry on a number of occasions, havenāt you?ā
āYes.ā
āAnd was that chemistry EVER enough to sustain a lasting and rich relationship?ā
āNo.ā
āIn fact, didnāt many of those relationships end up in considerable pain for you and for your partner?ā
āYes.ā
Real Love is a choice. Butācontrary to conventional wisdomāso is romantic love. Sure, the initial excitement of meeting someone may be involuntary, but then we can make a conscious choice about whether to allow those thoughts to continue. I first chose to unconditionally love my eternal partner, my wife, Donna. After making that choice, and after practicing it for some time, I chose to allow myself to experience the excitement of romance and falling in love.
Adding romance to Real Love is easy and effective. If we fall in love first, however, and indulge all that excitement, adding Real Love to that mix can be far more difficult.
There are many ways to arrive at the beautiful combination of Real Love and romance, but the first step is realizing that both are a choice. If weāve never seen or felt Real Love, our choices disappear, and we find ourselves at the mercy of chemistry.
Learn how to choose love and find the perfect partner.
READ OR LISTEN TO: