Tara called me in a state of considerable agitation. āIāve been doing my best to live Real Love for two years now, but Max (her husband) hasnāt changed a bit. He hasnāt shown any interest in learning anything about Real Love, and he isnāt even receptive to the love I give him. He stays away from home all hours of the night and spends no time with me or the kids. Itās like heās not here.ā
āI know youāve really tried,ā I said, āand his resistance has been painful for you. Iāve come to know him fairly well, and he just canāt overcome his fear enough to take any risks. He canāt trust anybody.ā
āBut itās not that he CANāT,ā she said. āHe knows how to do this. Iāve taught him. Youāve taught him. Iāve begged him to help us be a real family. He just WONāT try.ā
When we see someone frozen in place, resisting all efforts to help them alongāespecially when that person is close to usāitās tempting to say that they simply will not try. After all, theyāve been taught how to be happier. They can see other people who are happier with the effects of Real Love. So why wonāt THEY try as well?
But we really canāt know everything about anybody. We canāt know everything about their DNA, their epigenome, their divinely-given gifts, their entire upbringing, and everything else that contributes to who we all are. Without that complete knowledge, we canāt know how profoundly their pain and fear affect their judgments and abilities.
We canāt know for certain whether any given person CANāT move forward in a particular direction, or whether they do have the ability to move but simply WONāT.
So first, we canāt really know what people are capable of.
Second, my experience is that if people truly can do the right thing, they will, with no exceptions I can identify for certain.
Third, in the end does it really make a difference whether someone canāt or wonāt make a given choice?
Letās assume that Tara is right, and that Max can embrace Real Love, but he wonāt do it. If he chooses NOT to do it, then effectively he canāt, can he? His negative choice makes the positive one impossible. If I choose not to practice the piano, for example, then I canāt play the piano.
Finally, whether Max canāt or wonāt choose love for himself and his family, what he needs is to be loved, by Tara and others. If Max continues to choose inaction, however, then Tara can love him but choose not to continue with him as a partner.
To illustrate more starkly Taraās choice, if you know someone who regularly drives drunk, you donāt care whether they canāt or wonāt stop drinking. Either way, you still wouldnāt allow them to drive you anywhere.
Itās a waste of our time and effort to assess canāt vs wonāt. Weāre not wise enough to make the determination, and it rarely changes our best response to any situation or person.