How to Speak Up Without Controlling

By Greg Baer M.D.

October 25, 2022

Melissa called and told me that her husband, Scott, often laughed at things she did and criticized what she said. ā€œHow do I get him to stop it?ā€ she asked.

ā€œOh, you donā€™t GET him to stop anything,ā€ I said.

ā€œSo youā€™re saying that his behavior is all right?ā€ She was dumbfounded and possibly offended.

I laughed. ā€œNot at all. His behavior is horrifying. Heā€™s controlling you, mocking you, and selfishly undermining your marriageā€”which is far from behaving like a partner.ā€

ā€œSo he should stop it, right?ā€

ā€œThe problem is not with identifying his behaviorā€”no denying how bad it isā€”but with the word ā€˜shouldā€™ and the phrase ā€˜get him to stop.ā€™ā€

ā€œI donā€™t understand,ā€ she said.

ā€œItā€™s only natural that if something is wrong, we would want to make it rightā€”preferably as quickly as possible. That approach works great if the mistake is 2 + 2 = 5, but it turns out that people donā€™t like to be corrected like a math mistake.ā€

ā€œSo what can I do?ā€

ā€œA lot. People donā€™t like to be told what to do or not to doā€”even if theyā€™re wrong. Iā€™m sure youā€™ve tried to get him to stop this before, yes?ā€

ā€œSure.ā€

ā€œHas that ever gone well?ā€

ā€œNever.ā€

ā€œExactly. People donā€™t like it, andā€”with rare exceptionsā€”you donā€™t have the RIGHT to tell people what to do or not to do. Itā€™s in violation of the single most important principle in the universe: the Law of Choice. But you CAN always make choices about what YOU say and do.ā€

ā€œHow will that make a difference here?ā€

ā€œIt will make a difference to YOU. As things are now, youā€™re reduced to complaining and feeling stupid and helpless. Do you like that?ā€

ā€œNo.ā€

ā€œSo change it. You have an opportunity here to BE YOURSELF. This is no small thing, since youā€™ve had very little experience doing it all your life.ā€

ā€œHow?ā€ she asked through tears.

ā€œYou can speak up about what YOU see, how you feel, and what youā€™ll do.ā€

ā€œAgain, how?ā€

ā€œIā€™m not suggesting that you memorize these words, but you could say something like this: ā€˜Scott, what you just said was unkind and snotty. It wasnā€™t respectful, not at all what youā€™d say to someone you actually loved, like your wife. And I want you to be clear that I donā€™t like it and never will.ā€™ā€

ā€œHeā€™ll argue that he didnā€™t MEAN to be critical or whatever.ā€

ā€œOh, Iā€™m sure he will. The MOMENT he begins to argue with you, you raise your hand and say this: ā€˜Scott, I wasnā€™t ASKING you if you were being unkind. Iā€™m TELLING you that you were. You can keep doing it if you want to, but I donā€™t like it, and itā€™s hurting our marriage.ā€

ā€œWhat if he keeps arguing?ā€

ā€œYou repeat what I just said about TELLING him what heā€™s doing and that you donā€™t like it. You do NOT address his arguments, or it will end up in a fight.ā€

ā€œIt always does.ā€

ā€œThatā€™s why you wonā€™t argue, and you wonā€™t tell him what to do. Youā€™ll just tell him what heā€™s doing, and that you donā€™t like it.ā€

ā€œHeā€™ll keep arguing.ā€

ā€œVery likely. So after two attempts at telling him what heā€™s doing and how you feel, then you tell him what YOU will doā€”again not telling him what to do at all. You say, ā€˜Scott, if you want to keep arguing, youā€™re just proving again that you donā€™t respect me or listen to me, and I will leave the room.ā€™ Got it?ā€

ā€œYeah. Itā€™s so clear. Iā€™ve never known how to handle this.ā€

ā€œOf course not. You never had anybody teach you how.ā€

A few days later Melissa called to say that she did almost exactly what I had suggested, and Scott argued, as she had predicted. But then he apologized. And he didnā€™t say a critical or mocking word for the next two days.

There is a lesson here for all of us. Generally speaking, we donā€™t have a right to control other peopleā€”even when theyā€™re unkind to usā€”but we always have a right to make our own choices. It empowers us, and it makes us much happier.

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About the author 

Greg Baer, M.D.

I am the founder of The Real LoveĀ® Company, Inc, a non-profit organization. Following the sale of my successful ophthalmology practice I have dedicated the past 25 years to teaching people a remarkable process that replaces all of life's "crazy" with peace, confidence and meaning in various aspects of their personal lives, including parenting, marriages, the workplace and more.

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