Melissa called and told me that her husband, Scott, often laughed at things she did and criticized what she said. āHow do I get him to stop it?ā she asked.
āOh, you donāt GET him to stop anything,ā I said.
āSo youāre saying that his behavior is all right?ā She was dumbfounded and possibly offended.
I laughed. āNot at all. His behavior is horrifying. Heās controlling you, mocking you, and selfishly undermining your marriageāwhich is far from behaving like a partner.ā
āSo he should stop it, right?ā
āThe problem is not with identifying his behaviorāno denying how bad it isābut with the word āshouldā and the phrase āget him to stop.āā
āI donāt understand,ā she said.
āItās only natural that if something is wrong, we would want to make it rightāpreferably as quickly as possible. That approach works great if the mistake is 2 + 2 = 5, but it turns out that people donāt like to be corrected like a math mistake.ā
āSo what can I do?ā
āA lot. People donāt like to be told what to do or not to doāeven if theyāre wrong. Iām sure youāve tried to get him to stop this before, yes?ā
āSure.ā
āHas that ever gone well?ā
āNever.ā
āExactly. People donāt like it, andāwith rare exceptionsāyou donāt have the RIGHT to tell people what to do or not to do. Itās in violation of the single most important principle in the universe: the Law of Choice. But you CAN always make choices about what YOU say and do.ā
āHow will that make a difference here?ā
āIt will make a difference to YOU. As things are now, youāre reduced to complaining and feeling stupid and helpless. Do you like that?ā
āNo.ā
āSo change it. You have an opportunity here to BE YOURSELF. This is no small thing, since youāve had very little experience doing it all your life.ā
āHow?ā she asked through tears.
āYou can speak up about what YOU see, how you feel, and what youāll do.ā
āAgain, how?ā
āIām not suggesting that you memorize these words, but you could say something like this: āScott, what you just said was unkind and snotty. It wasnāt respectful, not at all what youād say to someone you actually loved, like your wife. And I want you to be clear that I donāt like it and never will.āā
āHeāll argue that he didnāt MEAN to be critical or whatever.ā
āOh, Iām sure he will. The MOMENT he begins to argue with you, you raise your hand and say this: āScott, I wasnāt ASKING you if you were being unkind. Iām TELLING you that you were. You can keep doing it if you want to, but I donāt like it, and itās hurting our marriage.ā
āWhat if he keeps arguing?ā
āYou repeat what I just said about TELLING him what heās doing and that you donāt like it. You do NOT address his arguments, or it will end up in a fight.ā
āIt always does.ā
āThatās why you wonāt argue, and you wonāt tell him what to do. Youāll just tell him what heās doing, and that you donāt like it.ā
āHeāll keep arguing.ā
āVery likely. So after two attempts at telling him what heās doing and how you feel, then you tell him what YOU will doāagain not telling him what to do at all. You say, āScott, if you want to keep arguing, youāre just proving again that you donāt respect me or listen to me, and I will leave the room.ā Got it?ā
āYeah. Itās so clear. Iāve never known how to handle this.ā
āOf course not. You never had anybody teach you how.ā
A few days later Melissa called to say that she did almost exactly what I had suggested, and Scott argued, as she had predicted. But then he apologized. And he didnāt say a critical or mocking word for the next two days.
There is a lesson here for all of us. Generally speaking, we donāt have a right to control other peopleāeven when theyāre unkind to usābut we always have a right to make our own choices. It empowers us, and it makes us much happier.
Find genuine happiness now and forever.
READ OR LISTEN TO: