I know a woman who has been unhappy all her life. She’s been afraid of almost everything, hesitant, lacking in confidence, indecisive, and complaining. She has never experienced a healthy relationship with anyone, man or woman.
And then she discovered the principles of Real Love, and was unconditionally loved by several people. As her wounds began to heal, and her pain and fear diminished, she realized the horror of her youth, which previously she had thought was normal.
She wrote to describe the lessons her mother had taught her all her life—from birth to the present, even though now she is well into middle age. She said that her mother taught her the following (accompanied by my translations—**in the box—of mother’s teachings into what she was really teaching, albeit unconsciously):
Put on a positive front to be friendly and pleasant with everyone, no matter what.
**Do NOT be yourself. You are way too flawed to be yourself. I’d be ashamed if you were just yourself, and people would probably talk about what a horrible mother I was. So, lie and hide.
Don't be inconvenient.
**You are not worth the trouble of being an inconvenience. If you actually get in my way—or in the way of anybody else—you become unlovable and even intolerable.
Make men the focus of your attention, and do everything you can to be attractive to them.
**Unless you please people, especially men, you are worthless.
Be a martyr and a victim as you tolerate difficult circumstances, and then just stuff your feelings. Dramatic sighs and whining are fine, though, if you want to get someone's attention.
**You're not worth unconditional love, but if you whine and sigh enough, somebody might pay you some conditional attention. This is the kind of manipulation I have used on everyone—including you—all my life, so it should serve you well also.
If people don’t pay you the proper attention, use silence, pouting, and withdrawing to punish them until they do pay attention. If that doesn't work throw a victim fit and leave. Go shopping.
**Even though you're worthless, you can get attention by being a victim, and if that doesn't work, punish the people who don't give you what you want. That’s what I’ve always done.
Give yourself as many martinis as you want, to reward yourself for enduring another day. Don't express your bad feelings or concerns directly to adults, but it's fine to yell at your kids and tell them that they drive you crazy.
**Because of the example I set—and what I taught you—you live in an utterly chaotic world of self-medication, withdrawal, silence, eruptions, assaults, and more. You can't count on gravity at any time in your world.
Tolerate bullying and neglect and abuse and wear it like a badge of pride.
**Again, you're worthless. So, people can abuse and bully you at will, but you can still get something out of that for yourself: the sympathy and pride of being a poor victim.
It's fine to complain and remain a victim, but don't speak directly or make a request to the person you're frustrated with—particularly your spouse.
**You're not worth directly asking for anything, but it's okay to whine and complain like everybody else—especially me. At least that would make you a part of the herd.
When men seem like a mystery, try to find some idealistic interpretation which enables you to tolerate them or not be in conflict with them.
**Stay in denial when men's behavior is difficult, somehow justifying it but never making the man wrong. Because you must understand that you will always be inferior to men.
Consider others and what they're going through as more important than what you’re going through.
**You’re worthless. Everybody else matters, but not you. She really taught you how to be unhappy. Are you seeing the significance of all this? But now you're DONE with all these lies. Don't keep repeating them in your mind, your sub-conscious, or out loud. Now life is different. No wallowing in the past.
**Read this email again.
Your mother literally destroyed your life.
But now you can get out of the tar pit and never visit it again. It has poisoned EVERYTHING you've done: every conversation, every interaction, every thought.
Walk out of the jail.
**Most of us have been thoroughly poisoned by lies we were taught in the past—usually by people who sincerely believed those lies themselves. But we can learn the truth and become free to make better choices.