Daily Coaching 505: My Wife Never Shuts Up

By Greg Baer M.D.

October 29, 2021

ā€œMy wife, Norma, never shuts up. She tells me which lane I should drive in. She tells me which shirt I should wear. She tells me when to shut the door. She tells me what I should do from morning to night. What does she think I did before I met her? Does she think I donā€™t know how to do anything? Itā€™s becoming more than I can tolerate. I want to scream at her to shut up. Sometimes she even realizes that sheā€™s being too controlling, but she says these things just pop out of her mouth before she can stop them, or she says sheā€™s just trying to help.ā€

When youā€™re in the midst of being controlled, itā€™s easy to become confused and irritated, but this is still all about Real Loveā€”for both of you. Norma feels empty and alone, so she gives you advice and tells you what to do, because for brief moments she feels like she has a PURPOSE in life. She feels WORTHWHILE. On occasion, as she controls you, she even feels POWERFUL. But itā€™s all an illusion, and it only lasts for a few seconds, or minutes at most. Then she has to do it again. And in the process she hurts your relationship.

This only bothers you because youā€™re not seeing her clearly, and youā€™re unable to love her unconditionally. Neither of you feels sufficiently loved. Both of you need to find more Real Love. You canā€™t make HER do that, but you CAN get more for yourself, and you can learn how to do that here on the website. But thatā€™s a long-term process. What can you do in the short term to lessen the impact of her coming at you constantly with her barrage of criticism and controlling?

First, you can understand that her behavior is not about YOU. Itā€™s all about HER lack of love. That alone should make a huge difference for you. You should be able to see her with compassion instead of irritation.

Second, you donā€™t have to RESPOND to each of the things she says. One of the reasons she tells you to change your shirt, for example, is that you LET her. She controls you because she gets a sense of POWER from it. If you donā€™t want to change your shirt, DONā€™T. You donā€™t have to change lanes. You donā€™t have to shut the door. You donā€™t have to respond to a thing she says. You just THINK you do. You need to experiment, in fact, with simply NOT responding, just to see what happens. It will be more effective if you sit down with her ahead of time and let her know that youā€™ll be doing this.

I suggest that you say something like this: ā€œNorma, as you know it has really annoyed me when you tell me what to do: how to drive, what to wear, stuff like that. And I have been WRONG to get irritated about that. It has been unloving of me. It has had a negative effect on our marriage, and I donā€™t want that to happen anymore. Iā€™m going to try something different. From now on, instead of getting irritated, Iā€™m simply going to ignore you when I donā€™t want to do what youā€™re suggesting or when I think itā€™s none of your business. OR I may say, No thanks. But I wonā€™t argue about it or get angry. That does no good. Weā€™ll see how that works out.ā€

Notice that with this approach youā€™re not telling her to STOP her behavior. Youā€™re letting her make her own choiceā€”she can keep saying all that controlling stuffā€”and then youā€™re choosing either to respond to her or NOT. Youā€™re staying out of a potential conflict as you learn to become more loving in your association with other loving people. Youā€™ll discover an enormous freedom as you stay out of conflict and choose to add love to your relationship.

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About the author 

Greg Baer, M.D.

I am the founder of The Real LoveĀ® Company, Inc, a non-profit organization. Following the sale of my successful ophthalmology practice I have dedicated the past 25 years to teaching people a remarkable process that replaces all of life's "crazy" with peace, confidence and meaning in various aspects of their personal lives, including parenting, marriages, the workplace and more.

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