Marsha had a razor tongue, and rare was the occasion when she didnāt use it, especially with her husband, Ron. On one occasion I asked how they were doing, and while Marsha was in the middle of giving herself credit for being sweet and kind to her husband, Ron interrupted with, āNot well at all.ā
āOh?ā I asked. āWhat do you mean?ā
āJust today she was being critical and angry,ā Ron said.
Marsha was not slow to respond. āOh, maybe I was a little harsh, but itās been . . . days since I was critical like that.ā
āMaybe one day,ā Ron responded.
āYou see?ā she said. āI can never do anything well enough for him. I make one mistake, and he makes a big deal about it.ā
āRon,ā I began, āout of the past ten days, how many of those days would you say that she has said anything critical or angry?ā
He paused before saying, āProbably eight.ā
Marsha was incensed. āOh, thatās not true, and itās not like on the days heās talking about Iām angry all day. I donāt get any credit at all for the times Iām not angry.ā
āNo,ā I said, āyou really donāt. When a policeman pulls you over for drunk driving, he doesnāt give you an award for all the times you DIDNāT drive drunk. NOT driving drunk is the minimum standard of behavior, so you get nothing for it, except to continue driving. Same with being married to Ron. You DONāT get credit for all the times you were not angry and attacking, only the privilege of staying married to him.ā
We have a lifetime to learn to be loving, but there are certain behaviors so destructive that we canāt engage in them at all if we want to be happy or participate in rewarding relationships. For those behaviorsāanger, violence, lying, infidelityāwe establish a zero tolerance, and we donāt get credit for not doing them.