As a Life Coach, I've noticed that the frequent use of "you" in conversations often leads to blame and disconnection.
When we hear "you" spoken with irritation, it feels like an accusation, leaving us feeling unloved.
This realization led me to explore how shifting from "you" to "I" in our language can transform our relationships.
By focusing on our own feelings and needs, we can communicate more effectively and lovingly.
Recently I began a discussion of words that are laden with negative meanings:
Words That Matter Part 7: Why
Words That Matter Part 6: Want, Wish
Words That Matter Part 5: Okay
Words That Matter Part 4: No, Not
Words That Matter Part 3: I Don't Like
Words That Matter Part 2: Can't
Words That Really Matter: Should
and now weāll continue:
YOU
āIām so disappointed that you . . .ā
āIām so angry that you . . .ā
āYou never . . . ā
āYou always . . .ā
āYou didnāt turn off the lightāagain.ā (spoken with an irritated tone)
āWhy are you doing that?ā
āYou need to . . .ā
āI donāt like it when you . . .ā
āYou make me angry when you . . .ā
The Impact of "You" in Communication
When such expressions are directed toward us, we naturally tend to take them personally.
Why? Because they includeāand are focused onāthe word YOU, meaning us.
Moreover these expressions are invariably accompanied by facial expressions, tone of voice, body posture, and more that indicate that the speaker is irritated at US.
We hear:
āWhat is wrong with you?ā
āYou are defective.ā
āYou are considerably less lovable when you . . .ā
āYou are so inconvenient and disappointing.ā
Understanding the Effects of Blame and Accusation
In short, when the word āyouā is spoken to us with impatience, disappointment, or irritation, we hear or feel the words āI donāt love you.ā
The effect is devastating, since the one thing we want most is to feel loved, and the one thing we want most to avoid is disapproval or the withdrawal of love.
A disapproving āyouā spoken to a child is like a knife to the soul, leaving a wound that often will fester for a lifetime.
Shifting Focus: From "You" to "I"
What can we do about the destructive effects of āyouā spoken in anger? We can learn to tell the truth about ourselves, instead of blaming other people. We can learn to talk about āIā and āmeā instead of āyou.ā
For example:
āIām not having a good day today. Iām irritable and over-reacting to everything, So a minute ago when I blamed you for making me angry, I was wrong. I was wrong to blame you, and I was wrong to be angry. I was expressing my own pain, not anything about you.ā
āI need your help. Would you be willing to do XX and YY in the next couple of hours?ā (as opposed to manipulating or intimidating with āyou never . . .ā for example)
āSeveral times this week Iāve been annoyed with you and blamed you. But the truth is that Iāve just not been feeling loved, and what I really needed was some attention from you. But instead of just asking you for some time attention, I became irritated at you. I was unloving and wrong.ā
The Impact of "You" Statements on Relationships
The moment we speak the word āyouā in anything less than a loving way:
- We tend to injure the person weāre speaking to, as discussed previously.
- We feel disconnected from the person weāre speaking to, and often disconnected from everyone else because of the overall selfishness we experience as we are blaming and annoyed.
- The person weāre speaking to immediately tends to begin resisting us or defending himself, which make it impossible for him to hear the specific instruction weāre trying to communicate. The other person is so busy being defensive that he doesnāt even hear the discussion we wanted to have.
In future blogs weāll discuss more words that have a much greater negative effect than we realize or intend.
Learn How to Tell the Truth
Eliminate confusion and conflict with your children.