In my experience working with people seeking Real LoveĀ®, I've noticed how often the word "why" surfaces in conversations.
It's a small word, yet it carries a heavy load of expectations, demands, and even accusations.
Instead of asking "why," we can choose to embrace silence or ask questions that foster understanding and love.
Let me share how this shift in perspective can transform our interactions and relationships.
Recently I began a discussion of words laden with negative meanings:
Words that Matter Part 6: Want, Wish
Words that Matter Part 5: Okay
Words that Matter Part 4: No, Not
Words that Matter Part 3: I don't like
Words that Matter Part 2: Can't
Words that Really Matter: Should
and now weāll continue.
"Why"
Nearly every day as I talk with people, I hear some variation on the wordāor questionāāWhy?ā For example:
āI just do not understand why my husband . . .ā
āI donāt know why people . . .ā
āWhy does this have to happen to me?ā
āWhy are you doing that?ā
āWhy canāt he/she just . . .ā
The Hidden Weight of "Why" in Conversations
āWhyā is a sneaky word that is often laden with accusations, expectations, demands, and more.
When we were childrenāmore times than we could possibly rememberāour parents and other adults would say, āWhy are you doing that?ā or āWhy are you doing it that way?ā
Almost never was that a true question, even though it ended in a question mark.
They were really saying,
āWhy are you being so stupid?ā
āWhy are you not doing that the way I would do it?ā
āHow dare you attempt something your way without consulting me?ā
So we learned to hear āwhyā as an accusation, and just as often we have adopted the same meaning in speaking that word to others.
Understanding the Impact of "Why" on Relationships
āWhyā has another meaning that is more subtle in its injurious effects.
Look at the first three examples of āwhyā beneath the bold heading above.
We are so accustomed to asking why things happen, or why people do things, that we have become blind to the implied meaning.
When we ask why people behave as they do, or why something happens, we are stating that we have a right to demand an explanation for everything that happens that we donāt agree with or understand.
The arrogance of such a demand is staggering.
The Dangers of Assumption
One day Donna was driving, and she made a choiceāabout which lane to drive in, or whateverāthat I thought was unwise, inefficient, or in some way not the choice I would have made. I began my sentence, āWhy did youāā before I stopped myself and realized that I already knew the answer to that question. She made her choice because she felt like it, because it was what she wanted to do, and because she is who she is. I realized how arrogant it was for me to demand an explanation for something that was entirely her choice.
Simply by asking āwhyāāwith few exceptionsāwe assume a position of authority or importance that often impairs our ability to feel humble, grateful, loved, and loving.
As we question people about why they do thingsāwhich translates into asking them why they are who they areāwe tend to hurt our relationships in significant ways.
Choosing Silence: A Powerful Alternative
So what can we do instead of asking āwhy,ā with all its negative implications and effects?
Most of the time, we could simply shut up. Try it as an experiment.
The next dozen or so times that youāre tempted to ask āwhy,ā simply close your mouth and see what happens.
Mostly youāll learn:
- that you didnāt really need the answer to your question.
- that your question was intrusive and often stupid.
- that you werenāt really entitled to an answer.
- that your relationship with that person is calmer and more accepting if you skip the āwhy.ā
Asking the Right Questions for Love and Understanding
Occasionallyāand I emphasize that this is only on occasion, not a regular patternāyou do have a right to ask āwhy,ā or it might not be harmful to ask.
So how could you do this better?
- There have occasions where after a few YEARS I have become curious why Donna prepares food a certain way, or why she refrigerates one thing but not another. I emphasize that I have waited a long time to be CERTAIN that I was merely curious, not trying to change the way she does things. And then I might say, āI notice that you put ketchup in the refrigerator (even though Iāve never heard of ketchup getting moldy or becoming dangerous). I donāt care what you do with it. I just wondered why you do that.ā I rarely ask such questions, and I have no investment in her answer.
- You notice that somebody does something differently from the way youāre used to doing it. You might say, for example, āIāve noticed that you do X when you park your car. Iāve come to respect how carefully and sensibly you make decisions, so Iām guessing that Iām missing something beneficial. Can you tell me your reasoning behind that choice?ā
- āI just noticed you do Y. Iāve never seen it done that way before. Would you mind doing it again, and explaining how you came up with that approach?ā
Most people actually enjoy explaining how or why they do things IF youāre genuinely curious, but not if they sense that youāre interrogating them.
In future blogs weāll discuss more words that have a much greater negative effect than we realize or intend.
Find genuine happiness now and forever.
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