Learn to Be a True Partner
In this short video clip taken from a live seminar, Greg explains how to learn to be a true partner instead of blaming the difficulties in our relationships on the other person.
Why Did She Leave?
“How do I know when to give up in a relationship when my partner moved away to another state? I still want to continue the relationship. She doesn't. Do I record her? I can't stop thinking about her.” Bla bla bla.
So, why did she move away? (inaudible) No, because you're a crap partner because if you had a great relationship, if you were a true partner, and she got a better job, you'd still be together, right? See how we trick ourselves? All right. I'm not picking on you, it’s just how it is but we can't change it until we see what it is.
So, you keep thinking about her because you invested how long with her? Two years. Two years of your life. That's a long time. You invested two years, some people it’s 20, whatever. It's a long time. You invested more than that. It’s not just time. You invested your hopes and dreams in her, didn't you? And then she drove away. That was less than deeply satisfying. And so, you're just going, there's this jagged edge to your dreams which is no fun at all.
So, you know crap about unconditionally loving her and being a true partner, did you? No. She didn't either, so what were the odds that your relationship would succeed? Zero. So, this just ain’t all that complicated: either quit and learn how to have an unconditionally loving relationship, actually first be loved, and start over. Or wait till you're ready.
Telling the Truth About Not Being a True Partner
I would suggest talking to a few wise men to kind of practice what you'd say first because you will do it wrong the first time on your own. By what do I mean by wrong? It won't work. It won't be loving. You'll just screw it up. Now, you're not a bad person. You're going to say something to her like, “What an idiot.” Like Dale said to his daughter. He just sat down and said, “I'm a complete screw-up as a father.” Done. That's how you start. “I was crap as a partner and now I've learned some stuff which I would never have imagined. It was all my fault.”
Now, how can you say that? Wouldn't it have been partly her fault? Sure, but you have nothing to do with that part, not a thing. When I talk about the wounds inflicted on my children, I say, “All my fault.” Well, they had a mother at the time. I don't say, “Well, fifty-fifty.” What do I care? If she wants to take responsibility for that, she can. I don't care. “All my fault. But I've learned some stuff and I think that if I had a chance to do this differently it would be different but that's up to you and if you want to read about it or learn about it here's a way you could do it.” She could talk to a wise man. She could read a book. She could go the website. Yeah, I don't know.
Your tone of voice is going to be more important than anything you say. You hear mine? It's like that. “I really screwed that up and you know maybe, we maybe, this could be different. I think I could be different.” Hear how much obligation I'm heaping on you? None. And then she'll either want to or she won't. And if she just goes, “Drop dead.” Okay, well then move on but now you know better. You're free either way. You win either way.