In this conversation with a worried mother, I teach her how staying calm when caring for her sick child can not only strengthen him but also transform a stressful situation into an opportunity for growth and connection.
Helping a Stressed Mother with a Sick Child
A mother, Natalie, called me and said, āIām just really stressed.ā
āHmm,ā I said. Long ago I learned that victims require other people to feel bad for them and to enable them. One way they do this is to say half of their message and require you to beg them for the rest. I knew I was supposed to ask, āStressed about what?ā but I allowed her to retain responsibility for finishing her half-sentence.
āMy son is sick. I donāt know if I need to take him to the hospital.ā
āI donāt know either, but you do know the difference between having a simple cold or cough and being sicker than that, so if heās sicker than usual it might be worth calling the pediatrician. Donāt know.ā
āItās just the stress of worrying about him. My husbandās not home.ā āÆ
āSo, letās look at what youāve got. Youāre not in a wagon train on the plains of Wyoming in winter, right?ā
āWell, no, butāā
āAnd heās not dying, so now itās just about calmly deciding what you want to do. No stress, just choices. Before you ever got married, you wanted to HAVE children and to be a good mother no matter what the circumstances, yes?ā
āWell, yes, I guess so.ā
āAnd now youāre getting your wish exactly. The only way to learn what itās like to be a good mother is to practice under conditions that are less than easy. Your sonās illness is easy stuff. The hard stuff is loving and teaching them all the time without anger, for example. So, what does your child need right now?ā
āI gave him some Tylenol.ā
How Worry and Concern Affect a Sick Child
I laughed. āSorry, that was a trick question. What he needs is YOU. You being calm. You being a comfort to him. What he DOESNāT need is you being worried and concerned, which are just words we use to hide the real problem: fear.
"When he doesnāt feel good, the last thing he needs is fear, especially from you, his mother.āÆFear robs him of peace, which is what he needs. Fear stresses him emotionally and physically, which makes his illness even worse.ā
āI never thought of that.ā
āOf course not. Parents are TAUGHT that if they care about their children, theyāre supposed to feel āconcernā when their children are sick or in any kind of discomfort. Wrong. They need our love, our stability, our faithānot our concern, which means our fear.
"We would like things to be easierāthatās just human of us. So now you have a choice: you can yearn for things to be easier, or you can exercise the faith you need when things are harder. If you really understand that, you can actually ENJOY this experience of your son being sick.ā
āImpossible.ā
āNot kidding. You can practice being faithful and loving. You can see how that soothes your sonās soulāand yours. Your love lifts him up in sickness and often relieves his suffering. You can be grateful that you have this opportunity to love him when things are hard.
"My dear, Iād rather eat cake all day than do some of the things Iām responsible for, but that would be irresponsible. I am here to learn. And have fun doing it.
"How about you? Do you want to see what itās like to love him without worrying?āÆIt's fun. Love him like he wasnāt sick. No sympathy, just love. If you look concerned, he will be too.āāÆ
āIāll try it.ā
Being Calm Strengthens Both You and Your Child
Later that day, Natalie wrote to say that sheād gone into her sonās room and offered to play a game or to read a book to him. He didnāt have the energy for a game, so she read to him until he fell asleep.
She said, āHis breathing became easier as I read to him while I put my hand on his chest. I could SEE the effect on him of my being calm. I would never have believed it possible, but loving him while he was sick was FUN.ā
Parenting is always about the loving and the teaching. First the loving, without fear, and then the fun.