It’s Not About Racism

The longstanding conflict we call racism is NOT ABOUT RACE.

It's about people—of all colors and beliefs—who don't know how to love each other unconditionally.

It's About Love and the Lack of it.

Surely that statement is simplistic? NO! We simply don't know how to love people unconditionally, including our own children. We don't genuinely love the people in our own family and culture, so if we add a difference in culture or skin color to an interaction—any difference, really—loving becomes even more impossible.

On many occasions I have stated this message on radio stations in Harlem, interviewed by black hosts and speaking to predominantly black audiences. The hosts have said, "We can't get enough of you as a guest! Our phone lines light up like never before, and the calls are 20 to 1 in favor of what you're saying—especially from black women."

People are screaming that something must be done now about racism—right now. But this solution is not going to happen quickly or by command. People demand that the police be fundamentally changed, or abolished. Or that reparations be paid. This will not change the underlying problem, which is being ignored completely.

The Solution is Parental, not Political

Want to learn how to stop racism? The solution is not protests or programs.

The solutions to the fiery social problems around us are NOT POLITICAL. They’re PARENTAL.

The solution requires a fundamental change in how we think, feel, and behave in a comprehensive way, not just about race. WE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO LOVE. We need to learn to love our children, our partners, our coworkers, and everyone else.

We need to learn how to love our CHILDREN.

This is no short-term solution. It has been proven again and again by careful studies that adults who had unloving childhood experiences are more violent, drop out of school more, die sooner, end up in jail 12 x more, and do everything else that's bad. EVERYTHING is worse for a child who does not feel loved.

So this should not be a surprise, but it always is when I say it: THE PROBLEM IS US, THE PARENTS. We're the problem.

The Problems are Rooted in Uninformed Parenting

What is the primary problem with white people? It’s their white parents who raised them and taught them who they were and how to BE in the world, and who did not know how to love them unconditionally, as I've learned over tens of thousands of counseling experiences with white adults and children.

What is the problem with black people? Racism? NO, it's their black parents, and their inability to love their children unconditionally. And I've seen that proven uncounted times too.

The primary problem with human behavior is the same for whites and blacks.

Conflict is About the Lack of Love

Ariel Sharon, former Prime Minister of Israel, said that the long conflict between Jews and Palestinians—so much like the racism in this country—wasn't about religion or property or beliefs. It was a conflict between two people who could no longer talk with each other because they were in too much pain from their wounds and were no longer capable of caring about—loving—each other.

We can whine and protest about racism and other hatreds forever, but that won't change anything—except to worsen the conflict. The solution is in teaching parents—black and white—how to unconditionally love each other and their children. From vast personal experience I can state that children who feel loved unconditionally are simply happy.

They're not consumed with pain and fear, and without those conditions they simply don't hate or solve their problems with anger. For most people this is nearly impossible to imagine.

Racism is a Small Part of a Much Bigger Problem

After 30 years of counseling, I've discovered that parents simply don't know HOW to love their children. The proof? Every day, many times a day, I hear parents who complain about how to help children who are whining, angry, fighting with their siblings, disrespectful to their parents, entitled and demanding, depressed or suicidal, cutting themselves, or addicted to phones, video games, porn, alcohol, and more.

These parents have read books and magazine articles, listened to podcasts, and tried therapy and even medications. And still they cry tears of misery and confusion.

Nothing is working, and parents are tearing out their hair. What's the problem? We're all looking for techniques to manage the kids—just as we look to programs or laws to manage racism—and none of those have ever worked long term. Kids and adults need to be unconditionally loved and taught. Consistently.

Children Don't Need Techniques – They Need Unconditional Love

But few parents even know what unconditional love looks like, so they have no idea how to love and teach their kids. They WANT to love their children—and they do their best, heaven knows—but without feeling loved themselves and without guidance about what loving and teaching look like, they're lost.

We've already proven that nagging, criticizing, punishing, enabling, and otherwise handling children doesn't work. We've proven that laws and programs don't make people good. They don't eliminate racism, for example. But we keep creating laws and programs, because we don't know anything better.

Society will not change by our efforts to make it so.

Society will change only as we learn to be loving and responsible as individuals—and only parents can make that so.

Society will Change Only with Parents Loving and Teaching

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