The Formula

By Greg Baer M.D.

November 23, 2020

For decades I have heard adults and children voice variations on the following laments: 

“I wonder what people will think when I . . .”  

“If I do X, people will think I’m stupid.”  

“How do I look in this?”  

“I’m too fat.”  

“I wish I had a different nose.”  

“When I’m a star in the NBA . . .”  

“If only I had X, I’d be happy.”  

“If only I were married . . .” 

“If only I were NOT married . . .” 

“I’m so mad that he/she . . .” 

“I’m so hurt that he/she/they . . .” 

All these expressions are of profound unhappiness from a variety of causes, and rarely do we find solutions to them. Allow me to translate all the above into something shorter and simpler:

“I’m not happy with who I am. I worry constantly that people will disapprove of what I do or say. I need to be like other people—or, at the very least, do what other people like—to get their approval and be happy. I’m so hurt/angry/afraid when people treat me like XX.”

All this is a natural result of our not feeling sufficiently loved unconditionally, because without that love we are in pain and live in constant fear of disapproval and constant need for something to fill the emptiness.

Solution? You can find thousands of answers on and, as well as in the books that have been written on the subject of Real Love.

But there is a short version of all that—a formula, if you like. We like things simple, so here it is:

  1. You be YOU.
  2. Let other people be THEM.
  3. You’ll be so much happier.

Longer version:

  1. The only thing you’ll ever be any good at is being you, but you won’t know who that is until you eliminate the emptiness and fear in your life with enough Real Love.
  2. You can’t change other people, so you might as well get rid of your resentment, jealousy, blaming, and all the other feelings you might have toward them.
  3. Enjoy the gifts you have, and you won’t feel empty. Be grateful for every morsel of love in your life, and you won’t feel afraid. Your life will be good.

If we learn these principles ourselves, we will be happy.

If we live these principles and teach them to our children, they will be happy too.

It’s not complicated.

Real Love book

Replace anger and confusion with peace and happiness.


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About the author 

Greg Baer, M.D.

I am the founder of The Real Love® Company, Inc, a non-profit organization. Following the sale of my successful ophthalmology practice I have dedicated the past 25 years to teaching people a remarkable process that replaces all of life's "crazy" with peace, confidence and meaning in various aspects of their personal lives, including parenting, marriages, the workplace and more.

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