The Mathematics of Love

By Greg Baer M.D.

August 6, 2014

Personal Growth

We all know that 2 + 2 = 4, and 9 x 7 = 63. Mathematics is consistent throughout the world—every day. Some people say that it is the one language shared by all people.

There is, however, another language—the mathematics of love—that is just as universal and consistent, a language that can exalt or destroy us, depending on whether we understand it and live by it. Allow me to provide a few of many examples:

4 + 4 = 0

When we have only Imitation Love available to us—approval, power, money, sex—it’s inevitable that we gather all we can. If we have four “units” of Imitation Love, it DOES temporarily feel good, so then what do we do? We gather four more units. But in the end, the sum is ZERO units of Real Love and genuine happiness, so 4 + 4 = 0.

4 - 4 = 10

In the process of learning, making mistakes is inevitable, even required. For more on this, click here.

But when we make mistakes, they tend to inconvenience or irritate the people around us. Nearly all of us were taught from early childhood that mistakes are “bad”—and we were taught in such a way that we believed that mistakes made US BAD—so when we make mistakes, we feel pain and respond with guilt.

If we make four mistakes—arbitrary number—we tend to respond with at least four units of pain or guilt, or both. But pain and guilt only add to our fears, which blind us, and then we tend to make even more mistakes. Hence (easier seen vertically):

4 (mistakes)

- (attempt to make up for mistakes)

4 (units of pain and guilt)

= (produces)

10 (more mistakes, with more pain, guilt, and unhappiness)

The math here is horrifying, and yet we persist in applying it.

4 > 7

The mathematical symbol “>“ means that whatever is to the left of the symbol is greater or larger or more numerous than whatever is found to the right of the symbol. In physical mathematics, then, the proper designation would be 7> 4.

In love, however, the math is different. Most people believe that finding Real Love—and growing in the application of it—is much like physical math, or “normal” math. If you’re paid $20 per hour, you receive more for working seven hours than for four. In that case 7 > 4. The more effort we put into something, the more reward we tend to get.

But finding and feeling Real Love is not about more effort. It’s about more faith. I have known a great number of people in Real Love who have thoroughly mastered the content of the books, attended groups, participated in conference calls, and more, and yet they remain empty, afraid, and defensive. They are WORKING hard, but they’re not trusting, so they are not finding what they claim to want. Working is about more effort. Trusting is often about less effort. It’s about letting go. More effort—more DOING—can in fact distract us from trusting, because our greater efforts lead us to believe that we are progressing when we are not. We are still in the world of “normal” math, working not trusting.

Sometimes we need to slow down or stop our efforts to find or create or “earn” Real Love. In the process, doing less often produces more. And that is when we discover that 4 > 7.

100 x 10% = 0

People commonly tell me how they are trusting the love of others, but it’s obvious that they’re not happier. Why? Because they give their trust intermittently, conditionally, and superficially. They don’t trust fully, so they don’t feel the love offered to them. And superficial trust is not additive. Trusting one hundred people at a level of 10% yields little or nothing. Hence, 100 x 10% = 0, rather than the normal math of 100 x 10% = 10.

It’s far, far more effective to completely trust one person completely, whereupon 1 x 100% = limitless possibilities.

For much more on HOW to trust completely, click here.

½ + ½ = 0

The primary reason most people engage in relationships—especially of the exclusive kind—is that they hope their partner will heal their wounds, supply what is missing, and make them happy. Regrettably, nearly everyone comes to a relationship empty and afraid, and the partners they attract are similarly less than whole. Each partner is incomplete to the extent that they cannot be unconditionally loving or participate in a healthy relationship. And so it is that ½ (incomplete person) + ½ = 0. This is NOT to say that partners need to be perfectly loving to have a great relationship.

1 + 1 = 1000

When two incomplete people engage in a relationship, they get the results described immediately above. On the other hand, when two people are SUFFICIENTLY complete, they create a relationship that is much greater than the sum of its parts. They complement each other, synergize, and create a whole that is magnificent. They need not be perfect, only sufficiently honest and willing to learn that their growth steadily produces miracles.

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About the author 

Greg Baer, M.D.

I am the founder of The Real Love® Company, Inc, a non-profit organization. Following the sale of my successful ophthalmology practice I have dedicated the past 25 years to teaching people a remarkable process that replaces all of life's "crazy" with peace, confidence and meaning in various aspects of their personal lives, including parenting, marriages, the workplace and more.

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