The Nature of Getting Behaviors
A man wrote to me and asked, āIs it a Getting Behavior if one partner voluntarily does a thoughtful actionāsuch as bringing a cup of coffee, or cleaning up the dishesāwith the hope that the recipient will appreciate the action and come to regard the ādoerā with approval?ā
Yes, by definition, any Getting Behavior is defined as doing something for another person with conditions.
Defining Conditional Actions
Some such behaviors are obvious, while others are less so. It is conditional āloveā when:
- We do something for another person SO THAT they will like us.
- We do something so that another person will not disapprove of us.
- We do something so that the other person will be more likely to do something for us.
- We do something so that the other person will be happy.
Setting Goals for Others vs. Ourselves
Now, this is a tricky one. Surely making another person happy is a worthy goal.
But itās a goal we set for SOMEONE ELSE, and we never have the right to do that. It leads to unforeseen problems.
What if I do something to make you happy, but then youāre not? Very likely I will be disappointed, and youāll sense that feeling from me.
It is also likely that if you fail to be happy as a result of my behavior, Iāll alter my behavior to manipulate you to be happy, and thatās a slippery road.
I have a right to set goals for MYSELF onlyāto be loving, to be kindābut not for how youāll respond.
Embracing Real Love: Caring Without Expectations
By definition, Real LoveĀ® is CARING about the happiness of another person, but that is different from doing something SO THAT they will be happy.
With Real LoveĀ®, my caring about your happiness will motivate me to serve you, but I will not be attached to the outcome.
I will love you just because itās what I want to doāitās an natural expression of who I am, and of my love for youānot to achieve a particular result.