Discover how eliminating anger can transform your marriage. Learn the power of zero tolerance for a more loving relationship.
Three years ago I spoke at a conference for middle-aged single people who were learning how best to find a loving spouse.
The Anger Dilemma: A Common Marital Challenge
A few days ago I spoke at the same conference, and a coupleāMark and Lindaācame up after my initial address to tell me that they had used the principles of Real Love to develop a relationship and get married.
āHowās your marriage doing?ā I asked.
āWell, sometimes he gets mad at me,ā Linda said. Clear this was one reason they came to see me.
āNot very often,ā Mark retorted. āSure, sometimes I make a little mistake with my irritation, but then she carries it around for hours, or even days.ā
āDoesnāt seem fair, does it?ā I asked.
āNo,ā he said.
The Shovel Analogy: Understanding Emotional Wounds
āSo imagine, Mark, that you and I are working outside together digging a ditch. We each have a shovel, and at one point I swing my shovel carelessly and hit you in the face.
"The shovel makes a long, deep laceration, along with significant bruising and a broken cheek bone. It only took me a second to inflict the injury, but it will take you several weeks to recover.
"Itās kind of like that when you get angry ānot very often.ā Every single time you get angry, she hears āI donāt love you,ā and the wound is significant.
"The wounds also add up. They get harder to recover from. And you donāt get any credit for the times you donāt hit her in the face.ā
āSo what am I supposed to do?ā he asked.
āThis may be hard to hear,ā I said, ābut Iāve learned the truth of it through extensive personal experience and through the experiences of tens of thousands of other people around the world.
The Zero Tolerance to Anger Solution
"The solution is that you make an unshakable commitment NEVER to express anger at your sweetheart. Never, ever, no time.ā
āThat seems impossible,ā he said.
āIn the beginning, it will seem strange, to be sure, but I promise you that NOT hitting her in the face with a shovel is MUCH easier than just hitting her from time to time and hoping that sheāll heal. Hang on a second. Let me check this out.ā
I turned to Linda and asked, āDoes that sound like a better plan to you, having a policy of ZERO tolerance for anger in your relationship?ā
Without a word, Linda beamed her approval.
āYou will make mistakes, Mark. Youāll get angry, but on those occasions call somebody who can love you while youāre angryāsomebody who wonāt be affected by itāinstead of hitting Linda in the face. Itās a powerful principle in creating a much more loving marriage.ā
With tears streaming down her face, Linda embraced Mark and said, āThere is nothing in the world that would mean more to me than you trying this out.ā
Make a promise to yourself and to your spouse right now that you will have zero tolerance for expression of anger.
Sure, you might get angry, but express it to someone who can love you and help you cool down.
Then you can return to the joy of loving your partner.
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