A married woman recently wrote and asked what she could say when someone flirted with her. She was uncomfortable and didnāt know how to express herself.
Understanding Modern Flirtation
Flirting is so common today that itās become a coin of casual social interaction.
Examples:
- āWow, do you look good. We ought to get together sometime.ā
- āNiiiiice,ā while thoroughly scanning the object of the word from head to toe, pausing especially on physical features universally known to have sexual connotations.
- āThat dress looks really great on you.ā
The True Nature of "Innocent" Flirting
Most men justify their flirting as innocentāas do women, who call it ācuteāābut even the most superficial examination reveals that this is not true.
No heterosexual guy would say to another, āNiiiiice,ā while looking his friend up and down.
Nor would a guy comment on another manās physical appearance before suggesting that they āget togetherā sometime.
And when a man says that a dress looks good on a woman, it is universally understood that the dress is not the point.
Recognizing Sexual Connotations
When men comment on a womanās appearance, it is almost unthinkable that they are saying that she is geometrically pleasing, or that she color coordinates well with the wall behind her.
Theyāre usually commenting on her sexual attractiveness, and often theyāre also expressing a hope about her sexual availability.
Responding to Unwanted Flirtation
As a woman, how can you respond? Depends on what you want.
If youāre interested in having sex, thatās easy to communicate, and most men respond favorably to such expressions.
If you are not interested in sexual banter or activity, that expression is more difficult for most women.
Crafting a Non-Sexual Response
One non-sexual response might go like this: āWhat you just saidāand the way you looked at meāhas a sexual connotation, whether you realize it or not. But Iām not interested in that kind of relationship, so how would you like this conversation to continue?ā
Communicating Clear Boundaries
Depending on his responseāverbal and notāyou might add, āI would like to get to know you as a person, which could be rewarding, but there would be nothing sexual about it. What would you like?ā
This kind of directness would be quite unfamiliar to almost every guyāeven startlingābut it quickly separates the men who are being sexual from those who are not.
Maintaining Your Personal Values
Many women have used this approach either to form genuine friendships or to discourage men who would be interested only in using them.
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