During my conversation with Margaret and Steven, she was trying to explain to Stevenāat my suggestionāsome of the unloving things he did on a regular basis.
Beyond "No": Active Listening for Deeper Connection
Each time she spoke, he responded with some variation on the following:
āNo . . .ā Almost every time we say the word āNoā after someone else has spoken, itās very unlikely that he or she will feel like we listened to them. Steven was not genuinely listening.
āBut . . .ā Oh, how easily we justify this word. We claim simply to be offering another perspective, but what follows ābutā is usually a statement of what WE believe, not any indication that we really understand what the other person has said.
The Phrases That Minimize: Spotting the Culprits
āI just . . .ā With these two words we attempt to minimize whatever inconsiderate words or actions we have just spoken or committed. We make a big mistake, greatly inconveniencing others, and we respond with what we were ājustā trying to do.
āI only . . .ā See above, following āI just.ā
āI thought . . .ā Another favorite method of minimizing what we have done. Following these two words, we carefully explain how our inconsiderate words or behavior were justified by brilliant reasoning. Rarely is our reasoning sincere or valid. How often do people say:
āI thought you said XX, so I did much MORE than you originally requested.ā
OR
āI thought it was MY turn to do the dishes, not yours.ā
In other words, we use our reasoning to minimize what we were asked to do, or to justify doing things OUR way. We never say, āI thoughtā as we explain how we did MORE than we were instructed to do.
āYou said . . .ā We say this to point out inconsistencies in what the other person has said, mostly to justify our own position or behavior.
The Foundation of Love: Truly Listening Before All Else
Truly listening to another person is usually the firstāand often most importantāthing we can do to demonstrate a genuine caring for another person.
It doesnāt really matter how many of the other elements of loving we executeātouching, sex, giving gifts, performing acts of serviceāif we exclude true listening. If you donāt get the impression that I truly listen to you when you speak, you will not feel loved by me.
Why?
Because each time you speak, itās as though you offer me a small piece of who you areāyour soul, if you likeāand if I donāt listen, Iām rejecting that precious gift.
Conclusion
We need to be more aware of each occasion where other people speak and exercise our capacity to really listen.
If we have no idea what listening looks like, we can explore that on the many books and webinars and other educational opportunities offered in The Learning Center.
Replace your fear and confusion with peace and happiness.
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