Jill called and said, āIām frustrated. When I walk into the room, my husband, Nick, just keeps looking at his computer. He doesnāt look up at me. And when I do have conversations with him, he interrupts me. Sometimes he interrupts with his own story. Sometimes he answers a text. Sometimes he joins a conversation that other people are having. But I feel ignored, and I donāt like it.ā
āI can easily understand why you wouldnāt like it,ā I said, ābut this has a solution. Iāll bet you a hundred bucks that Nick is not aware that heās doing this. He tends to focus on what he wants from moment to moment, and heās easily distracted, which explains what you just said about him. So if he isnāt aware of what he does, itās quite possible that simply instructing him about what you need could make a difference. You expect Nick to read your mind, and heās too unaware and relatively selfishāas most of us areāto do that. You need to tell him what you want more clearly.ā
āBut I DO tell him. Sometimes I say, āHey, Iām over here.ā Or, āYou never listen to me.ā But that never works.ā
I chuckled. āNo, he would hear those expressions as attacks, which they are. Youāre criticizing him, instead of simply INFORMING him and making a REQUEST.ā
āI donāt understand.ā
āIn your defense, youāre right, you really donāt understand. So hereās an opportunity for you to learn something too. When you come into the room, you expect Nick to know what you want. Thatās not reasonable. Give up that expectation and take responsibility for asking for what you need. You are the one who wants somethingāyou are the WANTERāso itās your job to get what you want. As I said, there are two steps here: inform and request.ā
āHow would I do that?ā
āIf you want Nickās attention, first inform him. Touch him on the shoulder, or call his name, to inform him that youāre in the room. Then you ask for what you want. You could say, āI need to talk to you. Is this a good time?ā And your tone of voice cannot be critical in the slightest. Youāre far more likely to get what you want this way. You may not always get what you want, but it will be much more likely.ā
A great many of us believe that if another person REALLY loves us, they will provide what we need without our having to ask directly. So we hint, make subtle suggestions, manipulate, and angrily criticize if we donāt get what we want. It is so much more effective to take responsibility for clearly asking for what we want.
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