Do You Hate it When Your Children Argue and Fight?
Learn How to Stop It ā Right Now.
Are you not crazy tired of all that screeching noise as kids argue, fight, and compete over the most ridiculous things? Are you tired of hearing demands and accusations like these:
āStop it.ā
āI wanted to sit there.ā
āThatās mine.ā
āYou ate all the cookies."
āStop doing that.ā
āYouāre stupid.ā
āYou touched me first.ā
āItās my turn.ā
āI wanted that.ā
āGive me that.ā
āShut up.ā
āThatās not fair.ā
Kids argue so often that it becomes like ānormalā background noise, and we tend to just tune it out. But all the while, the arguing and fighting are causing horrifying damage to our children. So, whatās the harm?
How Arguing and Fighting Hurt Your Child
- Every second they argue, theyāre hearing your silent agreement that fighting is okay.
- They learn that anger and conflict are how you get your way in life. Over a lifetime that belief causes terrible pain and failed relationships.
- The tension of their arguments fills the house and drives out all the joy.
Studies show that children raised in a home with contention are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, decreased brain function, problems in school, relationship problems, eating disorders, substance abuse, and health problems. Is that what you want for your kids? - They feel less connected to you and more alone.
Anger generates stress and tension, which eliminates the possibility of their feeling your love, and that love is what they need most. Itās emotionally crippling for a child. - Their sense of entitlement grows.
The more they argue, the more they feel entitled to argue, and in very little time their entitlement makes productive interactions with them impossible. - As they continue arguing and fighting with each other, they become more skilled and prepared to turn their fighting skills on you.
How You Can Stop Your Children from Arguing and Fighting ā Immediately
You are moments away from these simple but effective steps, but first you need the foundation that must be in place before the steps can work.
A. Kindness and Love
When they argue and fight, your children are not being ābad.ā Theyāre in emotional pain, and theyāre only using the social skills theyāve learned to protect themselves, usually learned from you. If youāre irritated as you address their arguing, youāll add to their pain and make things worse.
B. Immediate
The arguing and fighting have to STOPāright now. There can be no half-measures with these behaviors. Arguing and fighting canāt CONTINUE if you stop it from even beginning. So, you have to take action within 3-5 seconds of hearing any arguing or fighting.
C. Consistency
You have to act EVERY time you hear arguing or fighting, or your inconsistency will seriously confuse your child.
Stop the Arguing and Fighting in Your Home!
Click the button and learn how!
The Steps that WILL Stop Arguing and Fighting IMMEDIATELY
Step 1: LOVE them
This almost seems counter-intuitive. When children are arguing and fighting, they rarely seem adorable. But remember this (underline it in your head): The whole reason children fight is that they feel like theyāre not being listened to, and that somebody is not caring about THEM. That is emotionally very PAINFUL, so they protect themselves by raising their voicesāboth physically and emotionallyāand thatās when simple disagreement becomes anger, arguing, and fighting.
Anger is a way of getting attention and protecting themselves. Itās all they know to do. Just telling them to āstop fightingā is useless. When you remember that they truly do not understand how to behave more productivelyājust as most adults do notāyou become much more compassionate and less likely to be angry.
If you are the slightest bit irritated as you respond to them, they will feel threatened and unloved, and they will likely defend themselves with even more arguing and fighting. In short, there can be no anger from you. Ever. More about that later.
Step 2: LISTEN
The most immediate and powerful way you can communicate that you love your children is to genuinely listen. While they are arguing and fighting, get their attention, so they can see you are not trying to control them but are trying to genuinely listen to them. Without anger, that is very endearing to a child.
How do you get their attention? Hold up your hand. Speak softly. Look them straight in the eye, which creates a measure of instant intimacy. Touch them. Hold their hand.
Now, ASK them what they want. Yes, I know, theyāre already screaming what they want, but listen more closely. What theyāre really doing is:
- Aggressively DEMANDING, not genuinely asking, so the other child is forced to defend rather than listen.
- Mutually accusing each other of some ācrime.ā That will never get them what they want, and certainly not the love and respect they want even more.
- Not listening. Theyāre screaming what they want, but because theyāre not listening, the other child increases their own volume in order to be heard. Two screaming children never get what they want, and nobody is happy.
You can change all that when you turn to ONE child and ask, āWhat do you want here?ā Keep going until the child can express it in one simple sentence. Stop them when they say what the other child is doing wrong. No, youāre asking what the child WANTS. This requires the child to focus on a positive goal, instead of attacking the other child.
Then you have the same interaction with the other child.
Step 3: TEACH
Prepare them to be taught. Gesture toward yourself with your hands and say, āLook at me. Listen to me.ā Firmly. If youāre tentative, or if you indicate any degree of impatience with their behavior, you will only inflame the situation. I repeat: you cannot be angry. None, or youāll just add to the fighting.
So what exactly can you teach? You could say something like this (in this order):
- āWhat we all want most when we talk with someone is to know that they care about us, which is another way of saying that they love us. That is our NUMBER ONE wish.
- āDisagreement is not the problem. But when you add ANGER to the mix, then you have arguing and fighting, and everybody loses. So, there will be a new rule in this house, and I will keep the rule too. I have not been keeping this rule, which is MY mistake.
"Hereās the rule:
"You can talk about what you want. You can disagree. But there will be no more anger expressed toward each other.
"If you donāt know what to do with your anger, come and talk to me. But NEVER express your anger at your brother/sister. Never. Why? Because it never WORKS. Never. It destroys what I just said we all want most: to know that someone cares about us, listens to us, loves us."
- Mimic their sounds and words of anger, whining, victimhood, and all that. Briefly and without mocking. Then ask them, āIn the middle of all that noise, will anybody feel loved? Will any disagreement be solved?ā They will ALWAYS answer āno,ā or at the very least shake their head or drop their head in resigned agreement and embarrassment.
- Now, Give THEM a chance to solve the argument.
For exampleāto pick just one of infinite possibilitiesāyou might say, āYou (child A) want to play with this toy. You (child B) want to play with the same toy. What you donāt know is that you can BOTH have what you want. Really.ā
You say, āNow, Iām going to leave the room for five minutes, and you two will work on how you can make this happen so that youāre both happy with it. Keep in mind that if you canāt solve it on your own, I will get involved, and you might not like my solution.ā
Then leave the room for five minutes.
Step 4: EXPLAIN (still teaching)
When you return, if they have worked out an agreementāwhich is so much easier without angerāHallelujah! The angels sing.
This is a big moment, because you have established the FACT that arguing and fighting can stop immediately. Youāve proven that it can be done. That matters, because what we can do once, we can do again. Then we can do it for longer periods, and then it becomes a HABIT. Wow, what would that be like?
But what if theyāre still arguing and fighting when you come back in five minutes?
Now you get more involved, you explain and teach more. Now, because THEY have failed to solve the conflict, YOU will OFFER some options. You will not solve or stop the conflict. Youāll just teach them and give them more information, so that hopefully they can solve this.
Letās look at an example. Two kids are fighting over who gets to play with a toy. Youāve heard it all:
āItās mine.ā
āI had it first.ā
āStop it.ā
āGive it back.ā
āThatās not fair.ā
āIām telling Mom.ā
This is accompanied by shouting, screaming, name-calling, hitting, and wrestling over the toy on the floor.
You say, āI gave you a chance to work this out. You didnāt, so now I will make some suggestions.ā Offer some choices, but leave THEM to choose. You might say, for example:
1. āYou (Child A) could use the toy firstāfor 20 mins (make up your own number)āand then YOU (Child B) can play with it for as long as you want.ā The idea here (a clever trick, really) is that one child gets first use, while the second child gets to use the toy longer. Tough choice for most children.
2. āI will take the toy and put it away so that neither of you can use it. Then you can both find something else to do.ā
You proposing ideas sometimes gets their creativity flowing, and they might come up with a modification of your idea, orāmotivated by your second choiceāthey might come up with something entirely different.
If they refuse to agree, you move to Step Five.
Step 5: REMOVE THE FUEL
Kids only repeat a behavior if they get something from itāa reward. With arguing and fighting there are many rewards, which are the FUEL for the fire of their conflict: power, being right, feeling stronger than somebody else, and more. In many respects, they actually enjoy the fighting. It makes them feel more alive, orāat the very leastāless helpless and weak.
But arguments canāt survive without the anger that fuels them. You canāt make children agree, but you can remove the fuel. How?
First by loving them. Your love puts a wet blanket on the fire. And you could say, āIāve decided that the highest goal of this family is to be happy. Arguing and fighting donāt lead to happiness, so weāre going to eliminate this argument and give you a chance to learn something from it.ā Youāre not doing this to stop the argument. Youāre doing this to remove the fuel and fire of the moment, to see if they can calm down enough to learn how to handle a disagreement.
You continue, āYou can both go to separate rooms now and stay there until youāre ready to solve this problem without any fighting. When youāre ready, you can come and find me.ā
In most cases, only a few minutes pass before they want to talk to you again. If they solve the problem, great. If they donāt, you return them to their rooms, but with a bonus. You begin to add consequences, which are intended only to make arguing and fighting less fun for them. You might remove a number of favorite toys to a box in the garage, or take their phones or video games for a day or two. Use your imagination. The point is never to punish them but to remove the fuel from the fire of excitement they experience when they argue.
As you increase the consequences, and as they stay alone in their rooms, they invariably acquire a genuine desire to work things out.
REMEMBER
All these steps are integrated. Although listed in sequence, theyāre all related, and you might need to alternate between them, or change the order, do more than one at a time. Step 1 always accompanies the other steps, for example.
If possible, teach all the above steps BEFORE you begin implementing them, before the next argument or fight. You might say, āHereās what weāre going to be doing from now on,ā and then explain what will happen if there is any arguing or fightingāimmediately and every time. The steps are the same regardless of age, although the language you use would be tailored to their understanding. You can teach even pre-verbal children how not to scream their disagreement.
These Steps Work
Does this actually work? Uncounted thousands of parents around the world have followed these steps, and they report that if they actually do them, they ALWAYS work. One mother consistently followed these principles with her young children, and after a short time she wrote to me and said:
āMy 8-y.o. son Bruce was in his room, reading, and Bonnie, age 6, was pestering him with questions and requests that he play with her.ā
We all know where this usually goes. Bruce would say, āStop bothering me.ā
Bonnie would say, āIām NOT bothering you. YOU are ignoring me.ā
And on and on, getting worse by the second.
But Bruce had been consistently loved and taught, so he calmly said, āBonnie, Iād like to be alone.ā
Bonnie replied, āOkay.ā
Then she walked out, closing the door softly, while Bruce said, āThanks Bonnie.ā
Disagreement and potential conflict OVER.
That is stunning, and you can teach your children to feel and behave like that.
If you want to stop the arguing and fighting of your children, you have to set the example. You canāt express anger at them or anyone else in your home. And then you have to be consistent with the steps weāve discussed.
Your Kids CAN Stop Fighting
Click the button below and learn how to change the arguing and fighting into peace and companionship.