Anna had a tendency to nag her husband, Paul, without mercy. I asked her why she did this since he obviously hated it.
āIām not nagging,ā Anna said. āIām just pointing out what I need. If I donāt, I never get it.ā
āMaybe, but how would you know? You demand what you want so quickly and so insistently, how would you know what heād do if you just left him alone? What would it be like if you simply trusted him?ā
āI donāt think he knows what I want.ā
āOh, I think heās not as stupid as you believe.ā
Turning to Paulāwho was sitting next to AnnaāI asked, āCan you tell if Anna is afraid?ā
āSure,ā he said.
āAngry?ā
āOh yes.ā
āUnhappy?ā
āNo problem.ā
āHow can you tell?ā
āItās all over her face.ā
āLike a billboard, yes?ā
He smiled. āYes.ā
āSo if you can see that she is afraid or angry or unhappy, would you know that she needs something?ā
More smiling. āYes.ā
āSo all you need to do is observe her. Is that right?ā
āI guess so.ā
āAnd if you canāt tell from her face what she wants, what could you do?ā
āAsk her, I suppose.ā
āAnd if she wasnāt nagging you all day, would you be more likely to actually look at her face to see whether she needs something?ā
āYes, I guess I would.ā
āSo, Anna, are you willing to give Paul a chance to figure out what you want, instead of nagging him? Itās infinitely more pleasantāfor both of youāand when he does give you what you want, it feels a great deal more satisfying.ā
Paul learned to be more observant of Anna, and he became rather adept at discerning her feelings and needs. Sure, he needed some coaching along the way, but he nonetheless succeeded, and they were both far happier for it.
One of the most loving acts you can offer in a relationship is simultaneously powerful but also quiet: simple observation. In the moment that you carefully observe another person and watch for their needs, you are caring about them. Itās an important step in the process of loving.