In Real Love groups, conference calls, and other Real Love interactions, certain phrases have crept into use that are not consistent with the principles of Real Love, or that might cause confusion by their use. Recently I began a discussion of such phrases in the blogs listed below:
Phrases that Mislead, Part 5
Phrases that Mislead, Part 4
Phrases that Mislead, Part 3
Phrases that Mislead, Part 2
Phrases that Mislead, Part 1
and now weāll continue. In this blog we will discuss one such phrase, and in subsequent blogs weāll talk about some others.
IN FEAR / IN BEHAVIORS
As people describe their feelings or behaviors, they commonly say:
āI was in fear.ā
āI was in behaviors.ā
The problem with these expressions is the word āin,ā because it often implies some involuntary component to the feeling or behavior. Look at some examples of the use of this word:
- āI think Iām in trouble.ā (Trouble is happening TO me. I didnāt choose it.)
- āI was standing in the rain.ā (āStandingā is a choice, but the implication is usually that we had no choice about being āinā the rain.)
- āIām in pain.ā (People usually believe that pain isnāt something we choose. Rather, we are victims of pain.)
In short, the word āinā is usually passive and promotes a sense of victimhood. So how could we improve these expressions?
First, we can completely eliminate āin behaviors,ā because itās far too non-specific. Which behavior? What feeling?
Second, we can actively take more responsibility for how we feel:
- āWhen my husband expressed his opinion of what I was doing, I chose to hear it as criticism, and because I donāt feel sufficiently worthwhile yet, I felt afraid and withdrew from him.ā
- āWhen the group didnāt accept my suggestion, I felt a twinge of fear that my opinion wasnāt worthwhile. Then instead of remembering all the love I do have, I thought of all the people who havenāt loved me, andāsure enoughāthat fed my fear, and I reacted by sulking.ā
- āWhen my boss told me the report I did wasnāt what he wanted, I didnāt listen and learn from what he was saying. Instead I chose to take it personally. I became afraid and then chose to be angry at him.ā
When we take more responsibility for our feelings, we can begin to choose different judgments, which changes the ways we feel and behave.
In future blogs weāll discuss more phrases that can be misleading in our discussions of Real Love.