Phrases that Mislead Part 4: The Real Love Process

"Real Love process" - is this a helpful term? Learn why Real Love isn't a series of steps but a transformative journey of trust, truth, and love. Discover a better way to describe this powerful experience.

In Real Love groups, conference calls, and other Real Love interactions, certain phrases have crept into use that are not consistent with the principles of Real Love, or that might cause confusion by their use. Recently I began a discussion of such phrases,

Phrases that Mislead, Part 3
Phrases that Mislead, Part 2
Phrases that Mislead, Part 1

and now we’ll continue. 

Use of the Term, "The Real Love Process"

People sometimes refer to “the Real Love process,” the following being just a few examples:

“That’s part of the Real Love process.”
“Just keep trusting the process.

What Does Process Really Mean?

Before we discuss the negative effects of this phrase, “Real Love process,” it might prove helpful to examine the meaning of the word “process.” The dictionary definitions are long and varied, but they include the following characteristics:

• A progressive forward movement from one point to another on the way to completion
• A succession of acts, events, or developmental stages
• A series of gradual changes that succeed one another in a relatively fixed way and lead toward a particular result or end
• A continuing operation that consists of a series of controlled actions or movements

Real Love involves some of these words on occasion—forward movement, changes—but the overall definition of process does not fit.

The word “process” is more accurately used to describe, for example:

• an industrial process
• a chemical process
• a mathematical process
• a mechanical process
• the process of learning chemistry or math

Why Real Love Isn't a Set of Steps: It's A Dance of Transformation

But Real Love isn’t like these processes. It’s not a set of clearly-defined steps, controlled actions, fixed progressions, or acts. Many people have tried to “do” Real Love in this way—as a process—and failed badly.

Real Love is simpler than a process but also much more than the sum of a series of steps.

It involves trust, the truth, love, healing, and utter transformation.

Those things don’t happen in rational, controlled steps. They interact simultaneously in an emotional and spiritual dance that routinely produces miracles.

It’s not about steps. It’s about leaps of faith.

As wise men and women, we don’t describe steps in a process. We love and teach, and when people are trusting, what occurs is beautifully transformative. To describe these experiences as a process diminishes the miracle of it.

Beyond the Label: Words Don't Capture the Miracle 

So instead of referring to the Real Love process, what can we call what happens in Real Love? We don’t need a word for it, actually. Simple and accurate descriptions are superior:

• Loving people
• Teaching people to love and to be responsible
• Helping people eliminate the fear in their lives
• Creating a safe, loving and guiding atmosphere where people can discover who they really are
• Loving people
• Eliminating anger
• Teaching people how to live
• Loving and teaching
• Parenting
• Honesty
• Vulnerability

Real Love: A Gift, Not a Formula

Real Love is a gift and a miracle, not a process.

In future blogs we’ll discuss more phrases that can be misleading in our discussions of Real Love.