A Mom texts me:
āWeāre at a barbequeāmostly family membersāand my 13-year-old son, Isaac, keeps talking to everyone in a baby tone of voice. Itās embarrassing. Iāve told him in the past not to talk like a baby. Why is he doing this?ā
I said, āThatās easy. Almost invariably, children are either protecting themselves or getting attention. When they lack the Real Love they need, they seek attentionāa form of approvalāin order to feel worthwhile, and they protect themselves from disapproval.
"You already know that Isaac doesn't feel good about himself, and he doesnāt have the social skills to get attention at school. He doesnāt know how to find friends. He wouldnāt dare do this baby talk thing at school, because he knows heād be seriously mockedāif not beaten up and thrown into a dumpster.
"But he feels safer with family, so heās trying something different to see if he can get some attention. What he gets is not unconditional loveālike he now gets from youābut in the short term heāll settle for whatever he can get from these people. I do have some suggestions, but I can save those for when the event is over. Thereās not much you can do about teaching him while heās with all these people.ā
A few minutes later, she wrote:
āNow heās showing everybody his school grades. Then he asks silly questions or questions he knows the answers to. Heās behaving like a four-year-old.ā
āExactly like a four-year-old,ā I said. āEmotionally speaking, he IS about four years old.ā
Mom wrote: āIām guessing that he needs to feel loved, right? Anything else?ā
āFirst love,ā I said, ābut that evolves over time. Youāre getting better at it, but youāre not consistent enough yet to heal him. He doesnāt quite trust you yet. In the meantime, there are some things you could do. First, itās pretty obvious that youāre embarrassed by his behavior, perhaps even disgusted. And you want to control him.ā
āYeah, thatās true.ā
āSo, what can you do? Nothing right now at the barbeque, but over time? First, you have to learn to unconditionally accept your son and love him. How can you do that?
- First, get all the love you can find for yourself. From me, from others.
- Second, remember that love and carry it with you so that you have no need to control your son for a sense of worth and control.
- Third, remember that you caused this problem in the first place. Itās the lack of unconditional love in his life that has caused him discomfort and led him to find attention in less than productive ways.
- Fourth, remember that only your LOVE will help himānot controlling him with embarrassment or pushing or anything else.ā
āThatās all?ā she asked.
āNo, in addition to lovingāand while youāre learning to loveāyou can teach him. He believes that heās getting a lot of attention from his behavior, and heās partly right. But you can teach him the rest of the truth. You have to teach him the whole picture.
"Tell him that he IS getting attention, but (1) heās getting the attention a CHILD gets, and (2) he has to keep acting LIKE a child in order to get it. This might seem fun for now, but over time (1) people wonāt keep giving him the attention of a child, and (2) he will be stuck acting like a baby for life. He will feel smaller and smaller, with less and less reward. Heāll be crippled as he acts like a child in an adult world, the world that is already falling upon his shoulders.ā
We must teach our children how they can thrive in the world. We have to teach them the behaviors that will work, along with those that donāt. Weāre here to save their lives, not to enable them or provide them entertainment or temporary comfort.
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Eliminate confusion and conflict with your children.