Frequently Asked Questions

The Love We've All Been Looking For
(True Love, Real Love)

There are few subjects to which more books, movies, and conversations have been devoted than that of love. We all want to feel loved. We think about it, hope for it, fantasize about it, go to great lengths to achieve it, and feel that our lives are incomplete without it.

It is not unreasonable to state, in fact, that the single most important requirement for our emotional health and happiness is to feel loved. Our souls require feeling loved in just as real a way as our bodies require air and food.

It is sorely regrettable, therefore, that on the whole we really don’t understand what love is. Ask a hundred people what love means, and you’ll get a hundred different answers. As a result, we also don’t know how to find it. That is a considerable source of frustration, considering how badly we all want this elusive essence.

Conditional Love

Sadly, few of us have sufficiently received or given Real Love. From the time we were small children, we observed that when we didn’t fight with our sisters, didn’t make too much noise in the car, got good grades, and were otherwise obedient and cooperative, our parents and others smiled at us, patted our heads, and spoke kindly. With their words and behavior, they told us what good boys and girls we were, and we felt loved.

But what happened when we did fight with our sisters, made too much noise, got bad grades, and dragged mud across the clean living room carpet? Did people smile at us then or speak gentle, loving words? No—they frowned, sighed with disappointment, and often spoke in harsh tones. Just as the positive behaviors of other people communicated to us that we were loved, we could interpret the withdrawal of those behaviors only as an indication that we were not being loved. Although it was unintentional, our parents and others taught us this terrible message: “When you’re good, I love you, but when you’re not, I don’t—or certainly I love you a great deal less.”

Unconditional Love

This conditional love can give us brief moments of satisfaction, but we’re still left with a huge hole in our souls, because only Real Love can make us genuinely happy. When someone is genuinely concerned about our happiness, we feel connected to that person. We feel included in his or her life, and in that instant we are no longer alone. Each moment of unconditional acceptance creates a living thread to the person who accepts us, and these threads weave a powerful bond that fills us with a genuine and lasting happiness. Nothing but Real Love can do that. In addition, when we know that even one person loves us unconditionally, we feel a connection to everyone else. We feel included in the family of all mankind, of which that one person is a part.

When we don't have enough Real Love, the emptiness is intolerably painful, and in order to fill our emptiness, we use money, anger, control, sex, alcohol, food, drugs, violence, and the conditional "love" of others, all of which are variations on only four general themes: praise, power, pleasure, and safety. When we pursue these things as substitutes for Real Love, they all become forms of Imitation Love.

Many of us spend our entire lives devoted to the pursuit of Imitation Love. Because the effects of Imitation Love are always temporary, however, we have to work very hard to maintain an adequate supply, and eventually we discover that no amount can ever make us happy.

We tend to establish relationships with people—and fall in love with them—based on their ability to give us Imitation Love. When a man falls in love with a woman because she is beautiful, for example, he is actually declaring that he loves how she makes him feel with her beauty, not how he unconditionally cares about her happiness.

When two people are in love, the exchange of Imitation Love is abundant and feels more satisfying than anything the couple has known before. It's only natural that both of them usually develop the expectation that the other person will continue to make them happy for the rest of their lives. In fact, most people get married for that very reason—to guarantee that they will have a partner who will make them happy for a lifetime.

After a time, however—perhaps months, maybe years—the satisfying effects of Imitation Love always wear off, and the subsequent disappointment is overwhelming. Each partner naturally concludes that the other partner is the cause of his or her unhappiness. They both feel let down and betrayed by the other, and an enormous sense of blaming then poisons the relationship. Neither partner understands that the real cause of unhappiness in the relationship is not the other person, but the fact that both of them came to the relationship without sufficient Real Love, thereby lacking the one ingredient most essential to genuine happiness and healthy relationships.

When we lack sufficient Real Love, we feel empty and afraid, conditions that are unbearably painful. In order to eliminate our emptiness, we use Getting Behaviors to fill ourselves with Imitation Love. The Getting Behaviors include:

Lying — Although it's usually unconscious on our part, any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying. With our lies, we earn the conditional approval of others (praise), and often we get other forms of Imitation Love as well.
Attacking — We're attacking people when we use any behavior designed to modify their behavior with fear. We frighten or intimidate people with anger, authority, physical intimidation, guilt, and so on. When we attack people, we feel stronger. We feel a sense of power, which temporarily can be quite satisfying in the absence of Real Love.
Acting like victims — We're acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.
Clinging — When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.

In order to diminish our fears, we use Protecting Behaviors, which include:

Lying — From the time we were small children, we learned to hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, because then people tended to withdraw their approval less.
Attacking — Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. In addition, when other people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop attacking us if we attack them in return.
Acting like victims — When people are attacking us, they will often stop if we can act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us. Victims also frequently use variations on the expression, "It's not my fault."
Running — One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We can run by physically leaving difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our careers, and by using alcohol or drugs.

We do not keep track of the Real Love Groups. To find one in your area, you can ask a coach on a Free Conference Call if they are aware of any in your area. The easiest way to find a group is to start one yourself! Follow the instructions here.

I have extensively written and spoken on the subject of marriage. See, for example, the book, Real Love in Marriage.

Sometimes, however, it can be helpful to keep a simple list of guidelines that can easily be referenced for the sake of remembering what matters most in a marriage. Following are a few examples. They are stated in the first person because when you read them, you’ll be remembering what YOUR choices are, since you can control only your choices not those of your partner.

Of course you don’t. Almost the entire world runs on an engine fueled by the exchange of Imitation Love (see Q 3 above for definition). So most of us have never experienced Real Love, and it’s natural that we would conclude that it doesn’t exist. But I have now seen hundreds of thousands of people find Real Love and profoundly change their lives. So I can tell you that I know it exists. People in Europe didn’t know America existed, either, until Columbus set foot on it. You can take the steps to find Real Love, and then you’ll know it exists.

To learn more about how to feel loved and be genuinely happy, visit the Real Love and Personal Growth page and get your Free Report "Real Love —The Simple Secrets of a Happy Life and Fulfilling Relationships".

Over a period of more than thirty years, Real Love has been developed by experience, intuition, and inspiration, and during that time it has been thoroughly tested practically in uncounted thousands of lives, marriages, workplaces, and other relationships. Real Love has proven to work, over and over. It simply works as a coherent whole, and—nearly unbelievably—it works every time people have consistently applied its principles.

There is no doubt that some individual people find their Real Love experience to be enhanced by meditation, prayer, religion, exercise, good nutrition, and more. I have learned, however, that when people mix the TEACHING of Real Love to other people with the teaching of other principles, problems arise with a nearly uniform consistency. Let me try to explain with a metaphor.

If you mix pure blue paint with pure yellow paint in equal measure, what you get is green paint. Every time. It’s perfect and reliable. If you want green, just mix blue and yellow. Works every time. Now, what if you mix blue and yellow, but then you also add some red? Do you get green? No, you don’t. You change the production of green by adding something else.

And so it is with mixing the teaching of Real Love with the teaching of other philosophies, theories, and practices. When other teachings are mixed with the teaching of Real Love, something happens to change the effectiveness of Real Love. The “coherent whole” mentioned earlier is altered. Some people are confused. Some people replace elements of Real Love with elements of the other teachings. Some people elevate other teaching to a position equal to that of unconditional love, thereby diluting and even eliminating the effect of love. Some people simply get lost in the jumble of it all.

I am NOT saying that there is no place for the study of philosophy, religion, spirituality, nutrition, science, history, and more. Silly. Most of these studies, in fact, have a beneficial effect in the lives of many people, as long as the foundation of all of it is Real Love. Most truths—even theories—become interesting, fun, and even beneficial IF they are built on Real Love, but when they’re mixed in with the teaching of Real Love, problems begin.

Allow me to continue the “foundation” metaphor a little further. Windows are an important part of any house, as are doors, walls, a roof, flooring, and more. They’re all good elements of the whole, but without a solid foundation—of concrete or rock, for example—all these elements become useless. They might look good upon initial installation, but without a good foundation, they will crack and fall apart.

Similarly, Real Love is the foundation upon which all other good things can be built. Without the foundation, other principles and practices do not lead to genuine happiness. Moreover, to continue clarifying our discussion of “mixing things up,” imagine the effect of mixing the windows, or the doors, or the walls, into the concrete as it’s being poured to create the foundation. The mess would be unspeakable and unusable, and THAT is what happens when we mix the teaching of other things in with the teaching of Real Love.

Real Love works—powerfully and consistently. Start with that. Teach it as it’s written and taught in uncounted books, CDs, DVDs, seminars, website pages, conference calls, and more. Then, when your foundation is solid, see what you can build on that strong and happy beginning.

Open Safari.
Navigate to the page you'd like to bookmark.
When you're on the right page, click the More icon at the bottom of your screen.
Click "Add Bookmark".
Name the page and choose the location where you'd like it saved.
Click Save (upper right of screen).
How to access your bookmarked page:
Open Safari.
Click the Bookmark icon at the bottom of your screen.
You'll see the bookmarked page there.
**Extra tip: If you have a long list of bookmarked pages and would like your favorite RealLove.com pages to be even easier to access, add the RealLove.com pages to Favorites in your bookmarks.

This should cover most users, however if you don’t see these options, you can google “how to create a browser bookmark using  ___________________” (using your phone model number).

Open Google Chrome.
Navigate to the page you’d like to bookmark.
When you’re on the desired page, tap More (usually upper right hand corner) and then Star
How to access your bookmarked page:
In Chrome, at the top right, tap More and then Bookmarks.
You’ll see the bookmarked page there.
**Extra tip: When you are on the desired page, tap More , then “Add to Home Screen” and your bookmark will be placed on your home screen as a shortcut.
***Extra tip: If you have a long list of bookmarked pages and would like your favorite RealLove.com pages to be even easier to access, add the RealLove.com pages to Favorites in your bookmarks.

This should cover most users, however if you don’t see these options, you can google “how to create a browser bookmark using ___________________” (using your phone model number).