How we define terms and people and things can utterly determine the effectiveness of everything we do. If my definition of a bridge is incorrect, for example, how would I ever learn to create one that would span a river? If I incorrectly define an apple, how could I ever hope to find and eat one?
If my goal were to create chaos and misery among all of mankind, all I’d have to do is convince people to accept a wrong definition of two words: love and happiness. Allow me to illustrate this with an experience I had with Samantha, who came to see me after more than fifty years of living miserably.
As we talked about Sam’s childhood, she became somber and described a brief interaction with her mother. On one memorable occasion, her mother said, “You’re not pretty, and you’re not smart, but I still love you. And remember that no matter how I treat you, I love you."
Without realizing what she was doing, the mother defined the rest of Sam’s life. Sam heard:
You’re not pretty. She took this as a definition of her beauty inside and out, and it largely determined how she functioned in relationships all her life.
You’re not smart. Who you are is intellectually defective. Sam then never considered doing anything—in school, in relationships, in her job, and even in conversations—that would require intelligence.
Loving you is a form of begrudging toleration. After that Sam could only assume that everyone else who claimed to love her was simply tolerating her, despite her being ugly and stupid.
Love includes every form of unkindness and abuse I might heap on you. Thereafter Sam invited and endure every form of unloving behavior from friends, lovers, husbands, and children, all because she accepted these behaviors as love.
With these childhood definitions, Sam’s definitions of herself, of love, and of happiness were solidified, and as Sam accepted them for the rest of her life, her unhappiness was guaranteed. And thus a life was ruined with a few definitions.
Most of us were taught similar definitions, and until we learn to correct them—with Real Love and guidance—our feelings and actions are doomed to be unproductive.
Recover from your negative habits and beliefs!
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