Mark wrote: āAfter living with my wife for thirty years, I simply could not continue. Make no mistake, I have plenty of my own flawsāand Iām working on thoseābut Martha had no interest in doing anything about our stagnant and distant relationship. And for years sheās been miserableālike a black fog of gloomāfrom morning to night, but she refused to even talk about it. I needed a partnerāeven a companionāso I couldnāt do this anymore.
āWith the help of loving friends, Iām doing all right as far as the divorce. I feel understood and supported. But I feel entirely blind-sided by whatās happening with my adult kids. Theyāre sending me texts with messages that feel like body blows:
āDad, youāve made your whole life a complete lie.ā
āIāve lost all respect for you.ā
āYouāre running off to play around like a child, while you leave Mom alone and penniless.ā
āI never thought I would say these words, but Iām ashamed of you.ā
āI never want to see you or hear from you for the rest of my life. Bye.ā
āItās obvious that Martha is talking to them. No, itās more like sheās carefully training them to support her in an insane crusade to destroy me. She never had any interest in working on herself or our marriage, but now suddenly she has the energy to devote all her attention on hurting me. When I go to church, I get evil looks from EVERYBODY who has ever known Martha. Itās obvious that sheās talking about me to everybody sheās ever heard of.
āIām not liking this. I want to stop it. At the very least, I want to tell my kids that theyāve got it all wrong. I want to tell them that Iām offering Martha half of everything I have, and she and her lawyer just keep demanding more and more. I donāt think theyāll be satisfied until theyāve drained all my blood and skinned me alive. I feel helpless. What can I do?ā
Gossip is much like tar. If you touch it, handle it, try to control it, or have contact with it in any way, youāll get it on your hands and inhale the stink of it up your nose. Solution? Donāt handle it, and donāt let it bother you.
If you attempt to refute your wifeās gossiping all over the known world, you will be exhausted, youāll fail to neutralize her efforts, and youāll look desperate. Am I suggesting that you simply do nothing? About the gossip, yes, but thereās still plenty you can do:
- Continue to text or email your kids, telling them that youāre thinking of them or loving them.
- Invite them to lunch, dinner, or whatever with you.
In short, love them as you always have. Donāt bring up the divorce. Let them work through their grief, anger, and resentmentāas they must. In the great majority of cases, they will eventually notice that youāre genuinely peaceful and happy, and your wifeās obvious bitterness will stand out all the more by contrast.
You divorced Martha so you could be happier. Donāt ruin that possibility by getting mired in the conflicts that everybody else is inviting you to attend.
Learn how to peacefully deal with divorce.
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