Any kind of substantive change in human thinking and behavior is usually very difficult—and this is true from a young age.
Why is that so? And how do we make a change?
First, let’s deal with “why.”
Understanding the Challenge of Change
First, we’re familiar with seeing and doing things the “old way”—the way we were first taught—so from pure habit we tend to continue old patterns.
Second, we’re afraid of breaking out of past patterns. What if the new way doesn’t work? What if it’s too difficult? What if we’re injured? What if we look stupid as we learn the new ways? What if people laugh at us? These are not insignificant fears.
How Change Happens: A Historical Metaphor
Given the difficulty of change—and above I greatly simplified the obstacles to change—how do we ever change the patterns of the past, which is highly desirable if those behaviors are harmful to us and others? Allow me to illustrate with a metaphor from history.
The Crusades were a bloody, vicious, and complicated series of events that occurred from about 1095 to 1492 AD. The Christians of Europe attempted to conquer and hold the holy places of Jerusalem and surrounding lands, and in the process they had to fight the people—predominantly Muslim—who already occupied those territories.
The Christians naturally claimed the moral high ground, stating their desires to protect the holy places significant to their religion, but in truth—over the process of nine assaults and sieges—their motivations proved to be a changing mixture of religion, land, power, money, and the other common ingredients of human conflict.
Learning from the Past: The Example of Salahuddin
“The Kingdom of Heaven” is a movie that depicts with reasonable historical and cultural accuracy at least one part of this terrible period. In the movie, the Christians had displaced the Muslims and were occupying Jerusalem. The Muslims returned with an overwhelming force in 1187 AD. under the leadership of Salahuddin, and they were hours from destroying the city. The Christian leader, Bailian of Ibelin, came outside the walls to talk with Salahuddin.
Following is a dialogue from the movie:
Salahuddin: Your city is full of women and children. If my army will die, so will your city. I will give every soul safe conduct to Christian lands. No one will be harmed. I swear to God.
Bailian: The Christians butchered everyone within the walls when they took the city (many years before).
Salahuddin: I am not those men. I am Salahuddin. Salahuddin.
Bailian: Then under these terms I surrender Jerusalem.
The Power of Perspective in Change
The surrender then proceeded peacefully, with no violence or loss of life. Why? Because Salahuddin provided Bailian with a trustworthy example of a new perspective—that men could behave honorably, without hatred and vengeance—and Bailian chose to believe this new perspective.
THAT is the most powerful engine for change: a perspective different from the past, a perspective that allows a change in feelings and behavior. But rarely do we accomplish a change in perspective, for reasons enumerated earlier.
Another reason that a change in perspective is rare is that we try to do it by ourselves. We use all the neurologic equipment, training and experience of our past to create something new.
But this can be very much like using the toy blocks from our childhood to create a commercial jet airplane. We can’t use old tools and resources to create something new. We need help.
Trusting Others to Guide Change
Bailian trusted the example of Salahuddin, partly because Bailian was a man of great faith, and partly because Salahuddin had proven to be an honorable man, someone Bailian could believe capable of making choices not based on past atrocities, resentment, and anger.
Bailian’s perspective changed as he trusted and followed the perspective and example of another human being.
Studies have demonstrated that our nervous system—cells, axons, dendrites, neurotransmitters—actually change as we learn something.
After we have repeated that action or belief enough times, the nervous system becomes accustomed to that pattern, and we tend to repeat it much more easily.
Becoming a Role Model for Change
You can now choose to trust the love and guidance of people who have provided at least some indication that they are worth following.
You can then be such an example to your children. You can give them the power to choose the feelings and behaviors that lead to genuine happiness, instead of being imprisoned by old and often unproductive perspectives.
Replace your fear and confusion with peace and happiness.
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