Submission

By Greg Baer M.D.

December 23, 2020

I recently talked with a woman, Mariah, who communicated that she was quite unhappy with her life. She had made a mess of two marriages, her children ran over her all the time, and she was in a relationship that was fraught with confusion and pain. She had studied Real Love for several months, but she still clung stubbornly to doing everything her way. She hadnā€™t let go of any of her Getting and Protecting Behaviors, nor had she taken any steps to quit using any of her favorite forms of Imitation Love.

ā€œSo you already know what it takes to find Real Love and change your life,ā€ I said. ā€œWhen are you going to take it seriously and actually do something about it?ā€

ā€œBut I am doing something about it,ā€ Mariah said.

ā€œNo, youā€™re just piddling around. You still do almost everything your way, but you throw in a few Real Love steps here and there and deceive yourself that youā€™re doing something different.ā€

ā€œSo what are you suggesting I do?ā€ she asked.

ā€œLet go of the side.ā€

ā€œWhat do you mean?ā€

ā€œYou want to learn to swim, but you wonā€™t let go of the side of the pool. I completely understand it, because letting go is frightening, but letting go is also the only way to learn.ā€

ā€œSo how do I let go?ā€

ā€œLet somebody guide you. Let somebody really help you. Pick somebody who can love you, and really submit to their guidance.ā€

ā€œSubmit!?ā€

ā€œYes.ā€

ā€œSubmit to who?ā€

ā€œOh, I donā€™t care. Submit to anybody who can love you and teach you how to live differently.ā€

ā€œLike who?ā€

ā€œI really donā€™t care, just anybody who can love you and teach you.ā€

ā€œLike you?ā€

ā€œI repeat, Mariah: I really donā€™t care who you submit to, but you obviously need to submit to somebody who can help you.ā€

ā€œI donā€™t like the word submit.ā€

ā€œIā€™m sure you donā€™t. You donā€™t like the idea of anybody telling you what to do or controlling you, right?ā€

ā€œRight!ā€

ā€œBecause youā€™ve had a number of people in your life who have told you what to do, and who have controlled you. Theyā€™ve controlled you to do what they wanted for selfish reasons, and in the process theyā€™ve hurt you, havenā€™t they?ā€

Mariah began to weep. The answer was obvious.

ā€œSo youā€™ve spent the entire rest of your life protecting yourself from everyone,ā€ I said, ā€œassuming that everyone would hurt you as those few people did when you were young. And in the process youā€™ve kept yourself alone and miserable. Iā€™ll bet that hasnā€™t been much fun.ā€

Still weeping, Mariah mumbled, ā€œNo, it hasnā€™t been.ā€

ā€œSweetie, youā€™ve already proven that you canā€™t change your life by yourself. Youā€™ve proven it over and over, hundreds of times, over decades. Now, you can keep trying if you want, or you could finally let go of doing things your way and let somebody else really help you. But that would mean submitting.ā€

ā€œYouā€™re suggesting that I let go of who I am.ā€

I chuckled. ā€œThat would be a shame. Youā€™d hate to let go of being empty and afraid and angry and defensive and alone all the time. Hate to lose all that.ā€

Mariah smiled. ā€œYou have a point there.ā€

ā€œBesides, all those things arenā€™t really who you are. Theyā€™re just your reaction to a lack of Real Love in your life. If you were to find enough Real Love, youā€™d quit feeling empty and afraid. Youā€™d quit using Getting and Protecting Behaviors all the time, and finally youā€™d discover who you really are ā€” probably for the first time.ā€

ā€œI still donā€™t like that word submit.ā€

ā€œOh shoot, you already submit to pretty much anybody that walks by. You do whatever anybody wants in order to win their approval. You submit to your boyfriend. You submit to your children. You submit to emptiness and fear. Darlinā€™, you submit to foolish things all the time. Why not finally submit to true principles? Why not submit to people who really love you and want to help you? Itā€™s not like you canā€™t change your mind at any time.ā€

ā€œI just donā€™t know.ā€

ā€œThatā€™s exactly the point, Mariah.ā€

ā€œWhat?ā€

ā€œYou just said it: I donā€™t know. You really donā€™t know. You donā€™t know much of anything, so how can you lose by submitting to people who do?ā€

ā€œHow can you say I donā€™t know anything?ā€

ā€œWhat is our highest purpose in life?ā€

ā€œTo be happy.ā€

ā€œYes, and are you happy?ā€

ā€œWell . . .ā€

ā€œYou canā€™t change your mind now. You came to me specifically because you were not happy. Youā€™ve blown two marriages. You hate being around your kids, and they donā€™t much like you. Youā€™re in a relationship right now that is terrible. Youā€™re depressed. Youā€™re lost and confused and afraid. Your life really sucks.ā€

ā€œI guess youā€™re right.ā€

ā€œSo if our purpose is to be happy, and youā€™re miserable, wouldnā€™t it be fair to say that you donā€™t know anything ā€” at least about what matters most?ā€

ā€œWow, thatā€™s sobering.ā€

Despite all we had talked about, Mariah decided she just couldnā€™t submit to anybody ā€” even though she already was submitting to people to win their approval, as mentioned above ā€” so she remained lost for several more months. Finally, though, she made a decision to exercise some faith in a few loving friends, and she submitted to their directions about finding and sharing Real Love.

We later spoke. ā€œI understand what you meant now by submitting,ā€ she said.

ā€œWhat do you understand?ā€ I asked.

ā€œI just had to put my trust in the hands of people who loved me. Trusting people who had clearly demonstrated they loved me was quite different from submitting to those people who had hurt me long ago. Somehow I had made everybody the same, and that wasnā€™t right. It was keeping me afraid.ā€

ā€œSo howā€™s it going now?ā€

ā€œSubmitting isnā€™t bad at all. In fact, without trusting and relying on these people, I would never have realized many of the things Iā€™ve learned, and I know I would never have felt as loved as I do now.ā€

I was a drug addict for years, using narcotics to dull the pain I felt in my soul caused by a lack of Real Love. I knew I needed to quit using drugs ā€” they were literally killing me and were causing a long list of negative effects on the people around me ā€” but I just couldnā€™t stop. I finally made the decision to enter a drug treatment facility and submit to the care and guidance of the people there.

I have rappelled off 300-foot cliffs, crawled through frighteningly small spaces a thousand feet deep in caves, scuba dived with sharks, and canoed down Olympic-class whitewater rapids, but I have never been as afraid as that day I walked up the driveway to enter drug treatment. In the act of submitting to the care of others, I had to give up my pride, my old ways of dealing with pain, and ā€” most frightening of all ā€” my illusion of control. But there was no other way to change the direction of my life.

And so it is for most of us. How can we change our lives without help? And how can we receive that help without fully submitting to it? Submission is a blend of humility and faith that will forever change our lives. And through that submission, we create the opportunities to finally find the Real Love that will bring us the happiness weā€™ve always wanted.

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About the author 

Greg Baer, M.D.

I am the founder of The Real LoveĀ® Company, Inc, a non-profit organization. Following the sale of my successful ophthalmology practice I have dedicated the past 25 years to teaching people a remarkable process that replaces all of life's "crazy" with peace, confidence and meaning in various aspects of their personal lives, including parenting, marriages, the workplace and more.

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