As a life coach, I've often encountered individuals like Caroline, who are trapped in a cycle of victimhood, retelling stories of past injustices.
When Caroline sat down with me, she began recounting her grievances with great animation.
I interrupted her, offering a choice: trust me and let go of the victim narrative, or continue seeking sympathy elsewhere.
Caroline chose trust, and in doing so, she opened herself to love and healing.
Her transformation was remarkable, demonstrating the power of letting go and embracing a new perspective.
Caroline's Cycle of Victimhood
From the moment Caroline sat down, she began with great animation to detail the innumerable injustices in her life, and how everyone had hurt her deeply. Within twenty seconds I said, āThis will not help you. Youāve told this story hundreds of times.ā Other people had previously told me about her stories.
āYou need to understand thatāā she said.
I interrupted firmly. āI've heard it all before, my dear.ā
āBut you canāt understand me untilāā
āThere isnāt a single injustice or injury that you could tell me in this moment that I havenāt heard from you or someone else. Youāve been hurt a LOT, youāre very afraid of being hurt again, and youāre very angry about it. I got it. I just described your life. The details donāt matter much.ā
āButāā
The Choice: Trust or Leave
āLook at me. Look into my eyes and FEEL what Iām telling you right now. You donāt need to talk about your pain or victimhood or the injustices in your life anymore. It simply doesnāt work. YOU have already proven that with your own experience. So Iām giving you a choice. You can choose to listen to me and trust meācompletelyāright this minute, without arguing, resisting, complaining, nothingāonly listening and trusting. Thatās your first choice, and Iām not telling you what you SHOULD do. Not at all. But the second choice is to leave.ā
āYouāre throwing me out?!ā
āOh no, not at all. But if you choose to keep acting like a victimātelling your story over and overāyou simply donāt need me for that. There are many other people who would be only too happy to listen to your stories, even to sympathize with them. Actually, the trees in my backyard wouldnāt mind either. Theyāll listen all day and night, for years. Iām just saying that if you want to tell your stories, you can do that with much more willing listeners than me. So, choose.ā
Embracing Love and Transformation
She chose to trust, and as she spent the next four hours with me, she didnāt complain once. I loved her and taught her. She listened and felt the love.
For the next several days people asked her what had happened to her, because her face had changed so much.
People really do need to tell their story once or twice to loving people, because when people feel truly understood by someone, they find it easier to believe that that person loves them. But telling victim stories eventually becomes a self-destructive spiral.
We need to help such people stop telling their stories and instead feel the love that will heal the wounds that are destroying them.
Learn how to truly love others and give them what they need.
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