Selena, an unemployed single mother, struggles with constant complaints and health issues rooted in a troubled past. Through a revealing conversation, she learns the importance of focusing on her choices rather than her fears. Discover how taking responsibility and making proactive choices can lead to overcoming fears and genuine healing and growth, rather than temporary relief from pain.
Pain and Fears
I have known Selena for years. She was raised in a miserable home, with one parent critical and angry, while the other was utterly neglectful. The resultāSelenaāwas an unemployed single mother who complained constantly about everything.
She called and said, āIām having health problemsāstomachaches, back pain, headachesāand Iām just getting more and more worried about them.ā
āAre you remembering what is true?ā I asked. Notice that I didnāt address her physical illnesses. The important subject is her FEARS.
āWell, sometimes I say the five truths, but Iām not connecting to the feeling. Thatās why I wrote,ā she said with a testy tone. Then she complained some more.
āWhen you just said, āThatās why I wrote,ā what were you really saying?ā Remember the testy tone.
āI was just telling you what I need.ā
āNot really. You were telling me what you WANT, which is almost always different from what you NEED. And your tone said that you were blaming me for not giving you what you wanted in that moment. You were putting the responsibility for your happiness on ME, not you.ā
āOkay,ā she said.
āSweetie, I am not picking at you. Iām trying to show you some things about yourself that you do not see. If you listen and learn from what Iām saying, youāll begin to be able to choose differently. If you donāt, youāll keep making the same choices that got you to right here, which is miserable. When you COMPLAIN, you use a lot of words. Youāre very expressive in your fear. When I point out something that YOU are RESPONSIBLE for, you respond with one word: Okay. Do you see what Iām saying?
āIām focusing more on my fears than my behavior.ā
āYes, but keep going,ā I said. āExplain why focusing on your pain and fear is less productive.ā
āWhen Iām afraid, I just keep doing the same thing. Then I ask for more help, but when I do that Iām just being more helpless. Iām not taking responsibility for my happiness. And when I focus on my fears, I magnify them. Then I have very high expectations that people will save me. It makes it more difficult for me to feel any love that is being given.ā
āYes, very insightful, and the whole process is killing youāliterally, both emotionally and physically. Notice that you even talk about your fears versus your ābehavior,ā which is such a passive word. Animals have behavior. Billiard balls ābehaveā in a certain way when you strike them.
Overcoming Fears and Making Conscious Choices
"The word you donāt use much is āchoice.ā The important truth for you is that you CHOOSE to behave in certain ways. You CHOOSE to hold on to particular beliefs, which in turn lead to your feelings and behaviors. If you understand that, then you can begin to choose differently. You can take concrete steps to eliminate your pain and actually grow, not just to make your pain less temporarily.ā
āI have a treatment plan from my doctor. I can focus on that. I can be more responsible with my daughter. I need a job but I donāt think I feel well enough for that yet. But maybe that is just fear.ā
āFollow your doctorās treatment plan,ā I said, ābut also recognize that your symptoms are very likely due to stress, so while youāre seeking medical treatment, also make a choice to trust the people loving you. Feel the healing power of their love. And make CHOICES to move forward in other ways. Youāre afraid to get a job, for example. Youāre afraid of being rejected when you apply, of not being able to do the job, of being fired, and of not getting along with other employees. So if you donāt get busy finding a job, youāll carry all those unresolved fears around with you. Without a job, youāll know youāre not being responsible, and you wonāt have an income, which will add even more to the stress. And since itās very likely that your medical symptoms are stress-related, your NOT looking for a job is more likely to add to your symptoms and make your medical treatment plan fail. Stress is a real killer, so not dealing with it virtually guarantees your failing on many levels.ā
āSo, I think Iām beginning to understand,ā she said. āFear is killing me and getting in the way of my medical treatment. Iāve been trying to avoid stress by not looking for a job, but not looking is actually MORE likely to cause stress.ā
In summary, when weāre caught in pain and fear and victimhood, we tend to become paralyzed, and we believe that our lack of activity will make us safer. But that is just a sneaky way to stay a victim.
Our paralysis usually just increases our failures and our stress.
If we want to change our lives, we have to MOVE. We have to take action. We have to try, or we just stay the same.