Trapped By Too Many Demands
A manāletās call him Georgeācalled me to describe the unbearable pressure he was feeling from his family. They were a ātight-knit family,ā he said. They had always ābeen close,ā and now they were ārelying on him to help themā with more and more things.
His mother was sick and constantly needing his help to take her to the doctor, to come over and fix things around the house, to spend time with him on the phone, and so on.
His father called to complain to George that his wifeāGeorgeās motherāwas always miserable and never stopped complaining about pretty much everything.
Georgeās brother was out of work and called to ask for money. His brother said he was too busy and didnāt have the gas money to go and help his mother out with her many needs.
The list of demands on George was piling up to the point that George was about to go crazy and to top it all off, his wife was becoming irritated that he was spending so much time with his mother, father, brothers, and some others in the family who also required his time and attention.
He wanted to know what he could do. He felt trapped.
Fixing the Fallen Leaves - A Metaphor
I get a great number of emails and phone calls from people who believe they are in impossible situations: with their spouses, their children, their parents, and other people in their lives. They feel trapped: no matter what they do, they disappoint the people who present them with lists of demands that are never fully satisfied. Itās a terribly frustrating way to live for everyone.
Let me share with youāas I did with Georgeāan experience I once had with a couple of my children when they were young.
We were beginning to walk outside in our backyard in the fall, as the leaves were well into the process of falling. Our house is surrounded by hardwoods, so when the winds blew, quite a number of leaves would fall with each gust.
In an effort to provide them a moment of novelty, which children usually enjoyāand keeping in mind that my sense of humor is considered by some to be a bit bizarreāI suddenly gasped and said, āOh no, the leaves are falling.ā
The children looked at me with alarm, and I said, āWhat shall we do?ā
With eyes wide, they shrugged their little shoulders, counting on me for the answer to this terrible situation.
So I ran to a nearby tree with branches that extended low to the ground, and I hastily began to gather up leaves on the grass, which I then skewered to the exposed tiny branches, using each branch like a spear.
The children were relieved that there was something they could do in this emergency, and they gathered around me to help solve this problem. We worked as hard as we could, but each time the wind blew, more leaves fell.
When a heavy gust would blow, I would sometimes look around and say, āOh no! What can we do? There are so many leaves! Weāre falling behind.ā And in those moments, a look of genuine panic and heavy concern would cloud the eyes and furrow the brows of those two little children.
I know, what a mean father, but I didnāt allow that childhood trauma to continue for long. After a few minutes of skewering leaves on branches, I laughed and said, āIām just kidding.ā
I pointed to all the leaves on all the trees and said, āAll the leaves will fall. Theyāre supposed to fall. And then weāll rake them up into a big pile and throw you into them.ā
As I said this, I raked a pile of leaves together with my arms and put both of them into the pile, laughing. And then we had a leaf fight, throwing leaves at each other, having a great time playing with the leaves.
The instant those two children realized that they had no responsibility for gathering up the leaves and putting them back on the branches, their heavy emotional burden disappeared. In a single moment, they were transformed from a state of fear to joy, and the same transformation is available to all of us as adults ā any time we want it.
You are Not Responsible for Another's Happiness
We are not responsible for putting the leaves back on other peopleās trees. We are not responsible for other peopleās happiness.
We are responsible only to do whatever we can do, and to make the best choices we can make in any given moment, and if someone else isnāt happy with those choices, that is their problemāthat is their leaf on the groundānot ours.
When we leave someone elseās leaf on the ground, itās not a reflection of our not caring about them. Itās simply a recognition that we cannot be responsible for other people.
In the end, I am responsible for my happiness. You are responsible for yours. I am responsible to love you as well as I can, but you are still responsible for your happiness. The moment I take responsibility for your happiness, you become less of a human being. You become less capable of being happy.
People may offer you responsibility for their happiness, but that doesnāt obligate you to take it. They may offer you the opportunity to pick up their leaves and pin them on their branches, but you do not have to take advantage of the offer.
Make the best choices you can instead and enjoy a walk in your own backyard.
Replace your anger & confusion with peace and happiness.
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