Suzanne called and told me that while she was visiting a friend (weāll call her Friend A), a second friend (Friend B) called and talked with Friend A on speaker phone. The two friends discussed some personal issues. āI probably should have gone out of the room, or told Friend A to take the phone off speaker, right?ā
āOh, probably,ā I said, ābut you were in somebody elseās home, and weāre usually slow to tell people how to behave in their home. Itās understandable.ā
āBut now I have a problem. Should I tell Friend B that I heard the call? Did I break a confidence? Should I tell Friend A to tell Friend B that I was in the room while they talked? What should I say if Friend B ever asks me if I know any of the information I learned during her conversation with Friend A?ā
āSeems like a lot of complicated questions, doesnāt it?ā
āYes.ā
āIt seems complicated because you havenāt asked the right question yetāthe real question.ā
āWhich is?ā
āIn most situations the most important question to ask before asking all the others is, What is loving? Often that makes the other questions irrelevant, or at least simpler.ā
āExplain.ā
āIf you told Friend B that you were in the room, would she feel loved, or afraid?ā
āProbably afraid.ā
āSo she would not feel loved, right?ā
āProbably not. Hard to tell.ā
āSo why tell her something that would make her feel unloved? That answers your questions about confidentiality. And now this particular event is over, but youāve learned that next time you might think to leave the room or ask your friend to take the phone off speaker. But asking what is loving tells you what to do this time.ā
There is no task or principle that is more important than loving other people. When we remember that, we see more clearly, think more clearly, and make better decisions.