Sharon, the mother of two small children, called me to complain that her three-year-old boy, Maurice, clung to her legs or clothing all day, preventing her from doing many of the things she needed to do. As we spoke on the phone, I could hear Maurice screaming and demanding Sharonās attention.
āHow much time and attention do you give him?ā I asked.
āThatās all I do,ā she said. āI feel like Iām answering questions and doing what he wants every minute Iām awake.ā
āI think I know the problem. Maurice is constantly demanding your attention, so when you do give it to him, it doesnāt really count for anything. He doesnāt feel loved. He just feels like his demands are being filled, much like you were a store clerk filling orders.ā
āI donāt understand yet.ā
āIf you force me to look at youāat the point of a gun, for exampleāor you pay me to look at you, how fulfilling would that be for you?ā
āIt wouldnāt.ā
āNo, it really wouldnāt. But what if I freely offered you my time and attention, without your doing anything to earn to demand it? Would you like that better?ā
āSure.ā
āYou might even feel loved, yes?ā
āProbably.ā
I explained to Sharon that what her son wanted was her unconditional love, the time and attention and caring she offered freely. I told her to go and find Maurice ten times a dayāspending only a few minutes with him each timeāand to sit down on the floor at his level, look him in the eye, touch him, and talk to him about whatever he was doing.
āThatās a lot of time,ā she said.
āDo the math,ā I said. āMy idea sounds like a lot less time than youāre spending now on listening to him cry and scream and demand your attention. A LOT less stress too. And what Iām suggesting is entirely different in its effects. Youāll be giving Maurice attention proactivelyābefore he demands it. One minute of proactive attention is worth fifty minutes of attention that is not freely given.ā
In TWO days, Sharon called me and said, āItās over.ā
āWhat is over?ā
āHeās quit complaining, whining, screamingāall of it. He plays by himself. He smiles when he sees me. And I love playing with him.ā
Proactive attention. Kids love it. Partners, friends, coworkers, employees, and everybody else loves it. Try it and find out for yourself.
Want to learn more?
Eliminate confusion and conflict with your children.