Sarah and Paul had been in a relationship on and off for years. They were making a new attempt with the assistance of Real Love.
Sarah spent one Saturday with Paul, and toward the end of the day, Paul asked her if sheād like to spend the nightāin a separate roomāso they could spend part of the next day together too. Saturday night he told me that he had simply made a request, but later the same night she reported that he had pressured her to stay. They had a history of many arguments that had begun in a similar way.
He vigorously denied pressuring her, so I asked him exactly what heād said, word for word. Among the things heād said were the following:
āIt would be nice if youād stay.ā
āThe kids would like to see you.ā
āDuring the holidays, you donāt want to be out on the roads on a Saturday night.ā
āI really hope youāll stay the night.ā
āIt would be no trouble at all if you stay.ā
In Paulās mind, he was making a genuine request, but it wasnāt. How do I know? Because a genuine request looks like this: āWould you like to spend some more time here tomorrow? If so, you could stay here for the night.ā
But Paul didnāt make a simple and direct request. He justified his request and supplied reasons that would convince her to accept it. He used PERSUASION instead of simply giving her information and making a request. She accurately felt his persuasion as pressure.
We need to be aware of how easily we slip into persuasion, because we do itāand the people around us do itānearly every day. Any pressure at all is incompatible with genuinely caring for the other personāloveāand detracts from the true sense of connection in any relationship.