As a marriage coach, I often see couples that treat their relationship like more a chess game than a partnership.
Let's look at the ways we manipulate those we love and how they prevent us from simply enjoying our partner.
The Hidden Games We Play: Disguising Manipulation as Love
In the early 1960s, psychiatrist Ronald David (R.D.) Laing analyzed human behavior with the mathematical models of game theory—which has been used in making complex decisions in wars, corporate competition, and elsewhere. His work is summarized in “The Trap,” a BBC Documentary from 2007 by Adam Curtis.
Laing gave a complex series of questionnaires to twenty couples in Britain, where he analyzed how each partner saw the other—moment by moment—in their daily lives.
He repeatedly asked them what they thought the other really intended with their individual behaviors.
He demonstrated that couples used their everyday actions as strategies to control and manipulate each other.
His conclusions were stark—that what were normally seen as acts of kindness and love were in reality weapons used selfishly to exert power and control.
The Illusion of Control: The Price of Conditional Love
An expert commenting on this study said that Laing’s work stated that “love” was a way in which one person controls the other: “I love you, but with conditions . . . so you have to earn my love.”
Way back in the 1960s, then, somebody discovered and documented—using scientifically designed questions and game theory—that we play games and manipulate each other using what we call “love.”
We’re still doing it, and the manipulation is so common that we no longer notice it. It’s accepted as normal.
Choosing Love Over Manipulation
We can learn how not to continue these behaviors.
We can learn what unconditional love is, as opposed to the love that is traded and earned.
And then we don’t have to analyze our relationships with game theory.
Instead we can simply enjoy our relationships.
Just enjoy.
Find genuine happiness now and forever.
READ OR LISTEN TO:
