Judith is a brilliant woman. She has a Ph.D. in art history from Columbia University. She speaks six languages. Her English vocabulary can be quite intimidating. Sheās had a variety of jobs, the latest being a professor at a well-regarded and expensive liberal arts college.
She called me to say that she was having what seemed to be insurmountable problems dealing with the politics of college life. She was expected to agree with everything the dean said.
Some of her students were children of generous alumni donors, and she was actually told to be more lenient in her treatment of those students, as well as in her grading of them.
Her job was becoming such a complicated mess that she could not handle it without giving up some of her values, along with her integrity. She didnāt know if she could survive in that atmosphere any longer. She asked me what I thought.
āThe world is changing, my dear,ā I said. āPeople are becoming increasingly entitled, controlling, and victimy. Youāve learned a much more responsible and happier way to live, so you really donāt fit in.
"In fact, youāre an inconvenienceāeven an embarrassmentāto those teachers and administrators who have caved in to the demands of spoiled kids and parents who believe power will make them happy.ā
āI donāt like not fitting in.ā
āWho does? Weād all like to be welcomed by everyone else with open arms. But that canāt happen unless we do everything they wantāunless we become WHO they want. You willing to do that?ā
āNo.ā
āI thought not. If you are true to yourself, there will always be placesāprobably most placesāyou wonāt FIT IN. But that doesnāt mean youāre not FITāa word we donāt use much anymore, but which means to be suitable or sound or whole. You donāt fit in, but youāre still fit.ā
Fitting in is so seductive. We want to be accepted, but the price for that condition often is to give up who we are to become whatever pleases others.
Itās not worth it. The only approach that does work is to become as loving and responsibleāas fitāas possible. In the process, we will become happy personally, and weāll have rich relationships with people who do accept us.