I talked to a couple who were in the process of divorcing. Their marriage was simply awfulāattacking, withdrawing, lying, addictionsāan unspeakable mess of conflict and pain.
āWhen did your marriage begin to go bad?ā I asked.
They concludedāfinally agreeing on one thingāthat their marriage really started to go bad after their second child was born.
āOh, it all began much earlier than that,ā I said. I learned about their childhoods, and how they were badly and repeatedly wounded, after which they spent the remainder of their lives responding to their pain.
āWhat Iām telling you,ā I said, āis that your divorce began when you were both about two years oldāperhaps even earlier. By that age you were already so distorted by pain and fear that your course in life was setāleading you to this place.ā
In the succeeding days and weeks, they learned a better way to live, and now they enjoy a richly rewarding marriage.
When looking for the cause of our present problems, we tend to identify the more recent and dramatic events, but those are rarely the real cause. The wounds that affected us most happened earliest, when we were so young that we donāt even remember them. We have to identify those wounds and heal them, or the problems continue from the untended source.
Recover from your negative habits and beliefs!
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