In my years of coaching, I've often encountered individuals struggling with relationships that drain them emotionally.
One particular conversation stands out, where a man named Carl came to me, exhausted by his demanding brother.
This exchange highlights a common challenge many face: how to love difficult people without depleting ourselves.
Through our discussion, I introduced Carl to a simple yet powerful concept I call the "plus one" approach. This method has helped numerous clients find balance in their relationships, allowing them to give love generously while maintaining healthy boundaries.
I'd like to share this conversation with you, as it offers valuable insights into managing demanding relationships and growing our capacity to love.
Quantifying Neediness: The 1-100 Scale
"My brother is so demanding," Carl said. "He's such a victim. Complains all the time. Nobody can ever do enough for him. Just being around him drains me right down to my bones."
"So let's suppose," I said, "that you could quantify your brother's neediness for love, on a scale of one to one hundred—with one hundred being most needy. How needy would your brother be?"
"Probably ninety."
Recognizing Your Capacity to Give
"And on an average day, how much do you have to give him—freely?"
"Oh, about fifteen."
"And that's why you empty out so quickly when he's around."
"Makes sense. So what can I do?"
The "Plus One" Approach to Loving
"A general guideline would be that you give what you have, plus one."
"What do you mean?"
"Offer your brother fifteen units—because that's all you have—and then you attempt to slightly stretch your ability to love. That's how we grow. So you give him sixteen units—fifteen plus one."
"What if that's not enough for him? I can tell you it won't be."
When Your Best Isn't Enough
"Listen carefully. If it's not enough, it's not enough. You can't give more than you have, anymore than you can be taller than you are.
"If what you have to give isn't enough for your brother, then you have to be satisfied with your efforts, even if he is not.
"We're obligated only to do our best to love, never to fill the needs of another person."
Separating Self-Worth from Others' Needs
People will often tell us that our efforts to love them—to care for them, be with them, and more—are insufficient, and then they commonly tell us that we as people are not enough.
While it is true that we often lack the amount of love people need, that is not an indictment of our worth.
We may simply need more time and practice with loving, or we may not be the problem at all.
It may be that the other person is incapable of receiving what we offer.
Replace your anger & confusion with peace and happiness.
READ OR LISTEN TO:
