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In the video above I taught you:
In many families the level of conflict has been high enough for so long that arguing has become NORMAL. It’s the NORM, like a background noise, and once that happens, quarreling often isn’t even consciously NOTICED anymore.
Once we accept some level of arguing as normal, we’re no longer able to do something about, so we’re doomed to live with it.
If you would like your family to achieve a level of peace and freedom that you can scarcely imagine, begin by looking for the SIGNS of unacceptable arguing. Look for the following indications that you have a problem:
Do your children argue, quarrel, and compete over the most insignificant and ridiculous things? Do they act mortally injured as they say things like (short version of the infinite list): “I wanted to sit there.” “That’s mine.” “Stop doing that.” “You’re stupid.” “You touched me first.” “It’s my turn.” “I wanted that.” “Give me that.” “Shut up.”
Do they hit each other? Or poke? Or tickle when it’s not wanted? Or push? Or bump as they walk by—accidentally, of course? These are physical and emotional assaults, and—again—they pile up.
Do they put everything off until later?
Do they go LOOKING for their sibling to start an argument?
Left to themselves, do they create their own activities, like reading, or are they bored and fall back on video games or demanding attention from a sibling?
Do they fidget a lot, as though uncomfortable in some ill-defined way?
Do they get frustrated with doing things and just quit in the middle of jobs or homework or even games?
Do they often speak with a whiney tone of voice? It’s not unlikely that this is so common that you have come to accept it as normal.
Do they reliably do chores around the house appropriate for their age? (Real chores, not just occasionally emptying a garbage can) We’ll be talking about what this has to do with arguing.
Do they tease each other endlessly? An individual tease may seem like a small, but they pile up and create a destructive effect that we rarely recognize.
Do they quarrel frequently or complain to you about what is “fair?”
Do they often have difficulty organizing tasks and activities?
Do they worry? This is a big one, so I’ll repeat it: Does your child just have a look of worry on his or her face much of the time? There might be words, there might not.
Do they interrupt people and activities in class and at home?
Is it difficult to get their full attention when you speak to them?
Do your children seem anxious and stressed even when they’re not actually arguing? Conflict creates enormous emotional pain in a child, for reasons we’ll be discussing.
It’s no fun at all being around kids who are constantly in some form of contention. The tension of their arguments fills the house and drives out all the joy.
And you don’t have to live like that.
I’m here to tell you that there IS a solution, and we’re not talking about controlling or minimizing the arguing. That’s not nearly enough.
We’re talking about a real transformation where your child becomes truly happy, fulfilled, responsible, and, well, a human being.
It’s like you’ve been paddling around in the middle of the ocean, desperately looking for help, and now—almost unbelievably—it’s here. This is the ship you’ve been looking for.
How could I possibly make such an extravagant promise? Because I KNOW how to teach parents how to help their children who argue and fight with each other. What I teach has been used by uncounted THOUSANDS of parents, and it works CONSISTENTLY.
I’m not trying to sell you something here that we’re GOING to do. You don’t have to wait. The training begins right now. In the next few seconds, I’ll be teaching you things about your children and yourselves that you’ve never known.
I repeat: I’m not here to tell you ABOUT what I’m offering you. I’m beginning now to GIVE you what you need. It’s my gift to you, whether you continue with me or not.
What a relief to know that right now you’re exactly where you’ve wanted to be. You can learn what you need to learn. Finally, you can feel encouraged. You can feel hope. You can help your child.
And I’m going to help you do that.
I know you’ve tried to change things: explaining, lecturing, attempts to put out the emotional fires, certainly nagging, reading books, yelling, controlling, maybe counseling. But you’ve still got that endless arguing going on.
And you’re frustrated and tired.
You’ve been looking for something that works, and here it is: principles that have proven to work hundreds of thousands of times all over the world.
If parents are thoroughly committed to learning and practicing what I’m going to share with you, predictably I see children stop arguing and fighting. The contention just goes away, and instead they become happy—even after everything else has failed.
You become happy too.
It is NOT hopeless.
I’m here to help you, and I’ll be using the insight and experience of counseling with thousands of parents, and from writing 20 books and endless articles on the subject, as well as appearing on 1600 radio and television shows and presenting seminars all around the world—and much more.
You are about to change the world around you, and you don’t have to do it alone, which is miserable and frustrating. You’ve already proven that with your own experience.
So now the question that has to be on your mind: what am I going to teach you about children arguing that you don’t already know?
What am I going to say that you haven’t already read in a parenting book or heard from a program somewhere?
This is going to be revolutionary for you to hear, so slow down your brain and listen with your soul: What does a child NEED more than anything else? After food, water, and air, the answer is SO obvious, and yet we keep missing it—over and over.
To see the answer, let’s start with an infant. When an infant cries—other than from obvious physical pain—what does he want? You already know, because you just pick him up. You’re pretty smart. You already know that every child wants to feel cared for. Every child wants to feel LOVED.
Picking them up and holding them is just a demonstration of that. And if you’re genuine in caring about them, they FEEL it.
But infants are relatively easy to love. They smile and melt your heart, make cute little noises, and laugh in ways we never hear anywhere else. They’re adorable.
But when they get older, they learn to spill things, make messes, ferociously say NO when you tell them what to do, scream in their car seat, fight with their siblings, refuse to listen to you, say ugly and hateful things to you and other people . . .
and they argue and fight with their siblings and with others. They get a LOT harder to love, and when that happens, we really don’t know what to do. Usually we try to control their behavior—and we might even temporarily succeed—but it doesn’t last, and we end up with unhappy and badly behaved kids.
We’re not so happy either.
Let me say this another way:
If our children become more difficult to love as their behavior changes, that proves we don’t know how to love them UNCONDITIONALLY.
If we love them unconditionally, we’d love them no matter what.
But if loving them becomes more difficult when they’re difficult when they behave badly, our love is conditional.
Unconditional love or Real Love means caring about another person without wanting anything from then in return, but we DO expect something in return for the “love” we give our children: respect, cooperation, gratitude, and a certain level of reasonable and relatively easy behavior, which does not include the symptoms of ADHD.
Now more about unconditional love: That kind of love would mean that our love would not be affected by what they do. That’s what unconditional love means.
But we really don’t know how to do that. How do I know? We PROVE it every time we become angry, or disappointed, or impatient, or irritated at them. Our anger and disappointment and frustration are undeniable PROOF that our love is not unconditional.
Deep inside, you know that what I’m saying is true, but let me demonstrate further: When other people are angry at YOU, do YOU like it? NO, you don’t. Not ever. Nobody does. When other people are angry at us, or when we’re angry at other people, we’re all saying, “Look at what you did to ME, or failed to do FOR ME.”
In anger, we’re focused on OURSELVES—Me-Me-Me—and in that moment other people—notably our children—hear only four words, “I don’t love you.” When we’re angry, we’re far too occupied with ourselves to unconditionally love another person.
I promise you that this is true.
No, we don’t MEAN to say that, but what else COULD people hear while our words, tone, and behavior are screaming ME-ME-ME? “I don’t love you” is what YOU hear and FEEL when people are angry at you—think about it honestly—and it’s what our children hear and feel when we’re angry at them. And then we have an anxious child or anxious teenager.
It’s little wonder that they respond with their own anger.
Again, we do NOT mean to do this. We do not mean to hurt our children.
But it was inevitable, because WE were not loved unconditionally—which means being consistently loved without disappointment or anger. We were not loved freely, without conditions—so how could we possibly have learned how to unconditionally love our own children? IMPOSSIBLE.
Nobody is to blame. Our ignorance of Real Love simply perpetuated over generations. We don’t know how to love unconditionally because we’ve never seen it or felt it with any consistency.
For emphasis, I’m going to say all this in a slightly different way:
When children behave badly—when they argue and fight—it is almost always a reaction to them not feeling loved unconditionally—loved with no disappointment, irritation, frustration, or anger.
This could sound discouraging, even bleak. In some ways it IS bleak. Look at the world—at the utter obsession with things that are distractions from our pain, from our not feeling loved: like endless entertainment, addiction to electronics, ANGER, controlling people, drugs, alcohol, sex, and on and on.
THERE is the proof—in our addiction to all those behaviors—that overall we do not know how to love people unconditionally. If we did, and I speak here with vast experience, these behaviors would not exist.
I’ve been teaching unconditional love now for so many years to so many parents that I can tell you this with complete certainty:
When a child truly feels loved unconditionally, he or she DOES NOT have any desire to argue and fight with others.
Instead they’re HAPPY—and responsible, and have all those qualities you wish they had.
With sufficient love, there is simply no NEED to be angry and take it out on others. Happy people don’t behave like that. Period. Full stop.
How many times have you wondered why a child isn’t hearing what you’re saying? There’s an answer, and here it is: Because when you’re irritated, your child hears only “I don’t love you,” and that is so devastating, that he or she hears none of the rest of the content of what you say.
So THAT is what I'll be teaching you:
How to LOVE your children unconditionally,
which then gives them a REASON to LISTEN to you.
If you love them unconditionally, they can HEAR you —what you’re really saying—because they’re not distracted by their fear, not blinded and deafened by the “I don’t love you” message. Then it becomes possible for you to teach them anything—like how to be loving and responsible themselves.
And if they have that powerful trifecta—they feel loved, and they are loving and responsible—they are guaranteed to be happy, which is the ultimate goal for any parent, or, frankly, any person.
Your children can learn that being happy is way better than arguing and fighting.
Take my hand, and we’ll talk about what you can do—and how I will support you. It will almost be like starting over in parenting. You’re going to LEARN how to be a real parent, and your child will learn the lessons of life that will benefit him or her for the rest of their lives.
If you implement what you learn here, and if you do it consistently, you simply will not believe the differences you’ll see in your child, and in you, and in your family.
no more arguing or fighting or competing—none,
no more ugly words,
no more tension in the family,
It’s astonishing to see and to feel.
Our children are not bad. We’re not bad.
We just have not known how to love and teach them.
Rarely is it too late to change whatever unproductive behaviors you’re dealing with, not if you’re really willing to learn and to apply these principles to the interactions with your child. I can promise you, learning how to be a parent is WORTH IT.
You’re about to learn how to ELIMINATE the behaviors in your children that are hurting them and making you crazy. Really.
I make you another promise:
We’re really going to get into this. This is not a casual effort. We’re not looking to make your children more manageable. That’s not even close to being enough.
Our mission is to help you to become a powerful and effective parent, and to help your child feel loved, and to be loving, responsible, and genuinely happy. It’s a transformation.
If you ARE truly committed to learning how to parent, I’M fully committed to teach you, and I will bring resources to the table you never thought about. The rewards are spectacular—as we have seen in uncounted thousands of families.
Click the button below—it’s free—to begin transforming your life as a Ridiculously Effective Parent.