Celia wrote and said, āI have been practicing Real Love for several months now, and the most striking thing Iāve learned is how many mistakes Iāve made with my two adult children, especially my son. I hear from my daughter once in a while, but my son hasnāt spoken to me in several years. I havenāt ever seen his two young children. I want to heal this, but I donāt know what to do.ā
The wounds we inflict on our children can be horrifying, and for multiple reasons we couldnāt possibly appreciate the extent of the wounds we have inflicted:
- It is the very nature of pain that the person experiencing it feels the pain more than the person causing it. If I hit you in the face with a shovel, for example, you will feel much more pain than I will as the shovel vibrates in my hands.
- The wounds caused in a young, developing soul always have a greater effectāoften for a lifetimeāthan the wounds experienced by an adult. The pain of a childās early years often defines his world for the rest of his life.
- We canāt begin to remember the number of times we wounded our children. They happened far too long ago.
Because your son isnāt speaking to you, you might begin with a statement of responsibility and hopeāby email or textāperhaps something like the following:
āAs I have been learning about parenting, I am stunned by how stupidly I raised you and your sister. Unbelievable. Only lately have I learned that what children want most is to feel unconditionally lovedāwithout anger or manipulation or disapprovalāand I certainly didnāt give you what you needed. I didnāt make you feel loved. I have been very, very wrong. Iām committed to learning how to be a more loving mother, and I apologize for all the pain Iāve caused you to this point. Iāll keep making mistakes, but Iāll be working on them.ā
He might respond to this. He might not. The odds that youāll eliminate his pain with one message, however, are very small. So, youāll probably need to follow up with other texts, emails, and letters. Think short:
āThinking of you.ā
āHoping youāre having a good day.ā
āLoving you. Mom.ā
Occasionally you might want to send a small card or gift. Relax. The goal here is for you to gradually communicate your love, NOT to get your son to respond to you. Show your love, and allow him to respond as he wishes.
Want to learn more?
Eliminate confusion and conflict with your children, old and young.