Welcome to the mini-course:
"Why'd I Do That??!!"
In this course you will create a small but essential shift in your perspective that will have a HUGE effect on your happiness (you won't believe it.) You'll quickly master the key to becoming a powerhouse of confidence.
What you can expect to learn:
- Why/how judgments formed in the past affect you now.
- How to create a vivid picture of how your judgments are ruining your happiness.
- How to start living intentionally, focusing on the truth about your judgments and ignoring the lies from past pain and fear.
- How to consistently and correctly control the way you respond to events in your life.
(Does that sparkle in your eye mean that you are seeing a pattern??)
- Why you haven't felt confident and the reason you will be able to now.
- HOW to recognize and change your judgment.
- How to answer the question your friends will ask you, "What's your secret to being so chill?"
Going through the lessons and completing the exercises will only take you about 1 hour — then you'll start your rapid-fire liberation from stress and confusion. The changes you're going to feel are remarkable.
Let's do this!
a little bit about your teacher
Hi, I’m Greg Baer. You might know me as the author of the bestselling series, Real Love, The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships. It's my privilege—my purpose for existing—to Love and teach people just like you, and empower them to improve and elevate your life and the lives of those around you.
I’m excited to help you get started on your own journey. You deserve it.
So, what is
"Why'd I Do That?"
Is it controlling events so that you are never afraid or disappointed? No! Let's look at what might happen on any day:
First, an Event occurs—it rains, the sun goes down, your husband says something unkind, your wife is sulking when you enter the room, and so on.
Second, you automatically make a Judgment—based on past events—which then determines how you Feel and React (or behave).
An easier way to look at this interaction is like this:
From now on, just to keep things simple, we will refer to this process as EJFR.
Every day I talk with people whose lives are riddled with fear and behaviors that make happiness and confidence impossible. They are easily rattled. Almost invariably, they describe the actions of other people—or sometimes situations—that have CAUSED their feelings and behaviors. If George is angry, for example, it is BECAUSE Sandra said something unkind to him.
But this entire logic is wrong, and if so, that means that almost all feelings and behaviors in the world, although real, are founded upon lies.
Yep. I said that.
Two thousand years ago, the Greek philosopher Epictetus said, "We are disturbed not by what happens to us but by our thoughts about what happens."
What I want to do in this mini-course is to teach you how to retool every judgment you have to the correct one.
It's ALL About the Judgment
As a child I lived in a neighborhood where it seemed that all the dogs were vicious. From consistent experience, I learned that when I heard a dog bark, I was about to be chased or bitten. I learned the judgment that all the dogs in my neighborhood would bite me and that barking meant danger. Were those accurate judgments? Yes, and they enabled me on many occasions to run, climb a tree, or grab a stick before I was bitten. Many times my judgments saved me.
Years later, as a young adult long removed from my old neighborhood, I still became afraid when I heard a dog bark. Why? Because the dogs were dangerous in the present? No, I had no evidence to support my belief that the dogs around me would bite. I was afraid because I had generalized my judgment from “All the dogs in my neighborhood will bite” to “All dogs bite.” Where did that judgment come from? From past experience.
Exercise 1: The Folly of Changing Feelings and Behavior
Pull out a pen and paper and take a few minutes to describe some situations or relationships where you have tried to change your feelings or behavior without changing your judgments. Possible examples:
- I know I shouldn't hate my mother-in-law—hate just isn't an admirable quality—but no matter what I try, I still hate the woman. She's been nothing but trouble to me and to my family.
- When I was a child, sometimes my parents would say, "Stop crying." I remember that those were very difficult occasions. I couldn't just stop feeling the way I did.
- I'm afraid of my boss. I've tried meditations. I've tried communication techniques. I've tried affirmations like, "I will not be afraid of him. I am a strong person who isn't afraid of anybody." But I'm still afraid of him.
- I made a New Year's resolution to control my temper, but that didn't last a whole day.
- My wife has nagged me to be more loving. I've tried doing some loving things—even read a book about random loving acts to do—but it just doesn't last.
- I've tried to quit smoking for years, but I've failed every time.
It can be very frustrating to put your best efforts into changing how you feel and how you behave, only to fail again and again. What a relief it can be to realize that there's another way—a way that's easier and more effective.
Exercise 2: Recognizing Your Judgments
The judgments that affect your feelings and behavior the most are those you make about how any given event will affect you personally. If you judge that an event will hurt you, fear follows immediately and involuntarily, and following that feeling is a cascade of running, clinging, anger, acting like a victim or lying, as in this graph:
Acting like victims
Acting like victims
Write down a couple of interactions that went badly for you. Then describe how your judgment played a pivotal role in them. You can use the following chart to help you.
(Here’s a downloadable version of this chart you can print to use.)
Example: To help you understand the exercise better, here is an example of a woman who is trying to control her husband and get him to spend more time with her, doing the exercise.
My husband has been spending less time with me than I'd like.
He doesn't love me. He refuses to spend time with me. He'll never love me.
Emptiness and fear.
Clinging, attacking, acting like a victim.
- I've tried changing the event—making him spend more time with me—but that has never worked, because my controlling him has just made him feel more empty and afraid. Then he wants to spend even less time with me.
- I've tried changing my feelings, by just being more positive about the whole situation. Failure.
- I've tried changing my reaction—being nice to him instead of angry and clinging—but as long as I felt empty and afraid I just couldn't do anything other than what I was doing.
- But I can change my judgments. How? By examining whether each of them is true. So let's look at them:
- He doesn't love me: True. While he's withdrawing from me, he's protecting himself and is not unconditionally loving me.
- He refuses to spend time with me and care about me. False. It's not that he refuses to care about me. He just can't. He's empty and afraid—just as I am—and in that condition he simply has nothing to give me.
- He'll never love me:
(A) Not necessarily true. AS I learn more about Real Love, and as I bring that back to our marriage, he may feel loved enough that he can let go of his Getting and Protecting Behaviors and participate in a mutually loving relationship with me.
(B) Irrelevant. Even if he doesn't learn how to love me, my real fear is that I'll never feel loved at all, by anyone. But I can learn how to find Real Love. If he isn't capable of unconditionally loving me right now, that's not a problem. I'll get loved by other people.
- As I begin to see that my judgments were mostly false, everything else changes. He's not intentionally withdrawing from me, so how can I be angry at him when he's doing the best he can do? And I see that his withdrawing doesn't mean I'll never feel loved, so I don't feel as desperate. When my judgments change, I don't feel nearly as afraid, and now I lose my need to be angry at him or cling to him.
With a judgment that we won't feel loved—accompanied by emptiness and fear—fear is inevitable, and then Getting and Protecting Behaviors are automatic. If we want to change our feelings and reactions, we must change the judgments. Fortunately, we can learn to do that.
Changing Your Judgments and Correcting the Lies
If you can recognize your judgments—and that nearly all of them aren't true—you can change them. How? Carefully observe the feelings and reactions which follow them. That's the HOW. Pay attention to how you feel.
Any time you react in an unproductive way to someone—anger, acting like a victim, lying, running, clinging—consider what feelings you're experiencing. Almost uniformly, the "Feelings" that motivate such "Reactions" are emptiness and fear.
Next, ask yourself why you feel empty and afraid. If you can identify the lie—or at least the error—in your judgment, the way you feel and behave will immediately change.
If you can't identify the lie, stop. This is where you have to have the courage to tell yourself, "I'm wrong about something here."
Now you have given yourself some time to take the next necessary steps. It could include:
- getting loved while you're wrong.
- accepting that other people aren't doing anything to you.
Let's look at just a few of the common judgments we make, and the effect of correcting the lies we believe.
"I have an obligation to please other people." Again, you were taught this lie from early childhood. When you were obedient, clean, and otherwise cooperative, people smiled. If you did not behave in those ways, you received disappointment, disapproval, and even irritation. Thus, you learned that it was your job to please people.
In any given situation (event) you believe (judgment) that it is your duty to make other people happy. If you fail to do this you become afraid (feeling) that you are less valuable and that people will disapprove of you (withdraw their love). So, you constantly wonder what other people think of you. You serve them and work to gain their approval and avoid their disapproval (reaction). Eventually you don't even know who you really are. You're just an object to be used by others.
You are NOT EVER worthless. What newborn is worthless? No. You are born worthy of love, and you don't lose that worth. That simply never changes. As you get older and fail to meet the expectations of others, they become disappointed and irritated ONLY because you have failed THEM and because THEY are not capable of loving you unconditionally.
The Effect of the Truth:
Once you have acquired an absolute belief in your inherent, unalterable right to be loved—the ultimate in worth—everything changes. Now when people are angry at you, you understand that they couldn't be describing your lack of worth. You're already certain of your worth. Now you know that angry people are simply describing their own lack of love—what they've received and their ability to give.
"I am not worthwhile." This is perhaps the most common lie underlying all fears and unproductive behaviors. It is taught from very early childhood, as the adults around you express disappointment and anger when you make mistakes and inconvenience them.
If anyone expresses anger or criticism toward you (event), you naturally take that as confirmation of your worthlessness, which is an intolerable assessment (judgment). If you believe you're worthless, you become profoundly needy and afraid (feelings), and then you behave (reaction) in unproductive and unloving ways.
You are never responsible for pleasing other people or for making them happy. You DO have a responsibility to be as loving as possible, but other people are responsible for their own happiness. Really. You give them as much love as you can, but you also recognize that often your contribution to their happiness will be insufficient for them.
In short, you love people but are not responsible for them. One consistent exception to this is a parent's responsibility for the happiness of a young child. (For more information about LovingandTeaching children, click here.)
The Effect of the Truth:
Once you know that you are not responsible for the happiness of others, you don't become afraid anymore when people are dissatisfied with you. They're describing their unhappiness, not your failures. Sure, you need to always consider whether you could have been more loving, but these become only learning opportunities, not moments of shame or anguish.
The Truth Changes Everything
The truth changes everything in your life. Now can you recognize that when you have become anxious or angry, you were reacting to a belief that a lifetime pattern of conditional love would continue, and that you would never get the unconditional love you want?
In fact, any time you become upset, you are declaring that the only love in the world is that piece that is being withheld from you in that moment.
Identifying these judgments is important because it frees you. Once you identify the judgment, you can see it wasn’t true and you can begin to focus on what is true and experience the happiness (feeling) that comes next.
Exercise 4: Recognizing the Truth About the Judgment
Using the EJFR chart, write down some past situations or relationships where you felt especially hurt when you weren’t being loved by a particular person.
Can you identify that you were making a judgment that if you couldn’t be loved by that person, you wouldn’t ever feel loved? When you see that this judgment is false, do you feel a sense of freedom from your chains to that person?
You believe so many lies that changing them becomes something like a rebirth. You discover that you've been covered in lies, and the truth simply liberates you to see who you really are.
Welcome to a Happier Life!
We’ve covered a lot of ground in this mini-course. I hope you’ve discovered how it's always your incorrect judgments of events that have been ruining your happiness.
As a quick recap:
- You identified some judgments that you now understand were lies.
- You learned to use the EJFR chart to identify those lies.
Most people never understand the relationship between judgments and unhappiness.
You won't ever have to say, "Why'd I do that?" again!
I encourage you to take the next step and start living your life without lies.
What to do next:
- I'd love to hear what you thought of this mini-course. Would you take just 1 minute to fill out this survey and let me know?
- Share this mini course with a friend. Help them start breaking out of their prison of judgments and lies! Now you'll have someone to tell the truth with and PROVE your worthiness to yourself. Let's help everyone enhance and expand their lives to be as fulfilling as possible, living without fear.
- Here's a link you can share with your friends and family so that they can take this free mini-course also.
- Share your rebirth! Take a picture of you enjoying your freedom from fear and share it on Instagram. Use the hashtag #ejfr, #finallyfearless, #whydididothat. When you do, don't forget to tag me @reallovecompany.